Anchored Harbor
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: Everyone needs a harbor to anchor their hearts in. Can Amanda finally trust Olivia enough to tell her secrets? Will Olivia finally let her guard down and allow herself to fall in love without backing down? Mild cursing. Now Completed.
1. Chapter 1 If only

**Fandom: Law and Order SVU**

**Title: Anchored Harbor **

**Chapter 1: If Only**

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

**Manhattan Special Victims Unit **

**16th Police Precinct**

**167 E 51st St, New York, NY 10022 **

**February 14th, 2020 5:30 pm **

"_I was __wrong; yes, Olivia, apparently that is a thing. Who knew the great Ed Tucker could be wrong.__"_

The memories of Ed fly rampant inside my mind as I trace my fingernails over the picture on my desk music is playing inside my office a rarity, today I need to shut the rest of the world out. I can't focus on work, not when I make the same mistake every time of looking at the picture of the two of us from a few years ago.

We were on the Brooklyn Bridge overlooking the great city we call home I am holding Noah who is grinning from ear to ear, I wonder if he even remembers that day or Ed. Noah was so young back then. Ed was over my right shoulder, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, grinning at Noah in an attempt to get him to laugh, which had worked because Noah's smile is vast, his hands mid-clap.

Focus, Olivia, I have a job to do open case files on my desk. It's getting late. I need to get home to Noah. Today is not the time to lose myself in memories. Glancing at the clock tells me it's after five already on a Friday, not the way I want to be spending my day. Loud voices pull my attention even above the music I can hear my detective Amanda Rollins fighting with Officer Katriona Azar- Tamin inside the squad room. I am not in the mood to deal with these children today, so I turn the music up. Take a few deep breaths, Liv focus. Shuffling my paperwork, I bump into the picture, which crashes to the floor, shattering into pieces. "Shit." Another wave of memories hit me as I attempt to pick up the glass pieces.

"Olivia Margret Benson, I trust you, and this little guy." Ed tickled Noah's chest, making him laugh the sound of my child's laughter filled my soul with such intense joy. "We have a good thing going here, the three of us. Don't we?"

I remember the feeling of Enlighted elevation. I imagine it's how astronauts must feel when they are about to embark on lift-over. A feat most people thought would be impossible. I never wanted to come down; I would happily stay in his arms forever. "Yes, Ed, we do. I am so thankful."

"I am too Olivia; it's taken me a long time to trust again, to feel anything except pain, anger. I buried myself in work in anything to dull the pain. I didn't let myself feel until you came along. You make me want to shatter these walls. None of my success matters, Olivia. Money won't buy me Paris; fancy cars won't fast track your heart to mine, what's the point of any of it without you to share it with me?"

It hurts to remember these memories back then I was so scared so confused, I had been in the middle of a custody battle for Noah. My Squad was in shambles Amanda was hell-bent on destroying her life, Fin was angry over everything, anything and Carisi was like a jumping bean bouncing between the ADA office and the squad room.

I couldn't answer Ed; I was barely holding my life together. Ed had taken my hands looked me in my eyes with such passion I had become frozen. "I can try to pretend Olivia, that dreaming any dreams without you by my side would make sense, the truth is they don't."

"Olivia you're all that matters our connection is incredible it's undeniable, at least to me, what do you say to get away for a while?"

"A vacation?" My voice had cracked, "Yeah, Paris, how do you feel about Paris?"

Pulling me close, the strong spicy manly scent made my knees weak smoky like the woods. Strange for mid-winter New York City. I felt the warmth to my core, though, so who was I to complain? I smiled up, seeing it inside my head dancing under the stars in front of the Effie Tower strolling through the village on the edge of east Paris overlooking the Sacre- Coeur holding hands as we sit on the lover's bench. Touring through the Musee de la vie Romance or having a picnic at the canal Saint- Martin.

"God, I can see it, Ed, it's perfection. You make me want to shut my life down and run off with you." he had laughed "I don't know about running off Liv- my-love." his fingers had stroked my hair, brushing it back his eyes had connected with mine. "But, a get-away would be nice."

"If only Ed."

"It is a possibility Liv, you just need to want it." "Ed, I do, but I can't go. I have too many responsibilities here, too many people who need me."

"You're making a mistake, Olivia, we're talking about Paris here."

"I know Ed, believe me, God, I know, and I want to Ed, someday."

"You sure someday, Liv? Not today?"

"Yes, Ed, not today, believe me, I want to, but being a grownup means sacrificing your needs for those who depend on you."

"I suppose you are right, but Liv, you really do need to slow down. Take a few minutes each day to close your eyes and picture Paris. Will always have Paris, Liv."

Paris seems so far away now. God, why did I turn him down? I should have never let him go. It's been over three years now I should be used to this feeling of coming home to an empty house. I should be accustomed to the spinning head, endless tears. I am not. I always assumed there would be a someday, a one day that we would get our brilliant Parisian get-a-away.

I had it all I let it go why? For who? For what? Stupid, stupid, so stupid. Tears slide down my cheeks. I can't cry anyone could walk in at any moment, how juvenile would it look to see the Captain crying over a man she lost years ago. So why can't I let him go? I'm sure some people would say cut her some slack sure they broke up years ago, but he died recently, that counts, right. Her pain is valid, correct?

Is it? I wasn't married to him; we didn't share a child. We dated on and off for a few years; I didn't even like him at first. So why am I crying? Why am I shaking? Because I am weak, I am pathetic. I can't live with this pain; the shame is burning me alive. I blew it; I choose to work over him.

I can't breathe now, all those moments I took for granted when I had him, now he's gone. I am alone and so cold. If only I could change the way he was torn away from me, I wouldn't let go this time. Would I?

I'll never get those moments back, did he even know how much I loved him? Did he know that maybe I was just too scared to trust that what we had was real? That I wasn't strong like him. Brave like him? I can wait forever now. It won't matter Paris is gone vanished that dream shattered like glass the pieces jaded and jagged by the sudden disruption to their world, now they pierce the strings of my heart.

I can't stop bleeding scarlet red drips from my veins. My chest squeezes tightly, too tightly. How can I live with this pain? I don't have the strength anymore, how can I tell victims to be strong not to feel shame when all I feel is self- hatred, and shame? There's a word for that, oh, right hypercritical.

I can see his face smiling when I wake up in the morning laughing as he steals kisses from me, tickling me as we quietly make love, so we don't disturb Noah, who's asleep only a few feet down the hall.

I want to stay in his arms forever, but life never granted me such luxuriates. I feel my stomach clench my bladder is fighting a losing battle yeah getting older sucks, what happened to age and wisdom going hand in hand? At 56, I am still blowing every relationship I ever make.

I manage to smash my heart to pieces shatter my hopes, dreams. I've learned the hard way to shut my mouth even when I am screaming inside to say yes. I can feel myself falling into that deep dark hole as I stare at my finger, where I managed to cut myself on the shattered glass, scarlet red drips. I don't wipe it. I can barely see it through my tears, which are pouring down. If only I could change my past, if only I could learn to trust, to feel, to speak. To not be afraid.

My mother's gift lives on in me.

Depression

Oh, and it's campaign, Alcohol. It's a nightmare waterside. I've been stuck on it ever since I was old enough to pick up the bottle tip it back pour it down my throat and understand the pure magic of how beautifully numbing the warm liquid can make me feel.

I've gotten better since I've adopted Noah and risen in ranks I know I have other priorities now, tonight however I know I am going to slip right back on that slide, and since it's Friday, I may just drown in the pool of my own zest and shame.

Valentine's day just too perfect.

Just another day to remind myself I am alone, that no one will ever love me unconditionally, even my son will leave me someday.

No Love

Only Pain, Anger, Fear, Lies, Rejection, No Love. I scream, slamming the picture into the desk. No one hears me because the music is so loud. It's just as well no one would care. I know I need to calm down; I need to breathe before I piss on myself. I can't seem to focus though; words come at me, choices I make biting me in my ass.

He's gone

Just like everyone I have ever loved, my mom, my dad, who I never even knew. Elliot, My Brother, Captain Cragen, Munch, Nick. Now Ed has gone from this world forever. Suck it up buttercup; you have a squad to run, victims with real problems that they didn't bring on themselves.

Loud glass shattering catches my attention, snapping back to reality I race to the door just in time to hear Kat growl towards Rollins.

"You're a coward, a disgrace to the LGBTQIA community."

Confused, I slam my door open just in time to see my senior detective clench her fists at her sides her body is wound tighter than a snake ready to strike. She's nearly whiter than a ghost. My heart squeezes again when I catch her eyes. There is a storm brewing behind her beautiful ocean blue hues. "take it back, Officer." her voice is husky in emotion, which I dedicate to be angry hurt.

Amanda's breathing is in no better shape than my own, which scares me. I have no idea how this fight started, who started it or why Amanda would be upset being told she was a disgrace to the LGBTQIA community, she's straight.

"No, you're a liar, an ignorant coward, get woke, Rollins. This is 2020, not 1980; we're in New York City." Kat snaps her fingers in Amanda's face, which worries me. I don't even see Amanda blink. She's frozen, just tiny heated puffs escape her lips. She's on the verge of snapping, and when she does, this shit will be epic.

I don't have the strength for this today; normally I would let it go, Rollins can handle herself with anyone, except Kat worries me she's a boxer, she's quick and younger and ignorant. Ignorance makes people stupid and think they're invincible. I look around to see Fin is already gone for the day, leaving me to deal with these two knuckleheads.

"You have no idea what the hell you are talking about; it's so goddamn easy for you to say. Your generation has no fucking idea what it means to suffer, to be afraid, you guys didn't have to fight for the right to exist, you didn't have to fight for the same privileges my generation did! So DO NOT Say my name I will not defend my choices to you, Chingado Cono."

Kat's fist flies so fast I never even see it coming until it smashes into Rollins's face. "Enough!" I finally snap into action too little too late figures. Rollins has snapped back, letting out a scream, and lunged for Kat, grabbing her by her collar, slamming her into her desk hard getting at least two punches into Kat's face.

Before my arms wrap around her waist, throat. Two officers race over to grab Kat. Pulling Amanda is not easy even as little as she weighs she's hissing swinging, kicking, it takes all my strength to pull her skinny ass towards my office. My foot connects with my door, slamming it.

"Enough, Rollins chill the hell out, I am not in the mood to deal with you two bitches today."

My use of profanity stops Amanda as her body falls back into my couch. I lean against the door feeling drained. My bladder once again voices its discomfort. "What the hell was that about Rollins? You are a senior detective, an example of the younger ones coming up in ranks. What the hell do you call that?"

I need to control myself, but it's so damn hard she remains silent head buried in her legs I can see the blood pouring down her checks. Her body is trembling marching over to my desk I grab the tissue box throwing it at her. "wipe your nose Rollins do not bleed on my couch, I ain't paying for that shit."

Her hand trembles as she tries to hold it to her nose. I don't have the energy to feel sorry for her. Even when she picks her head up, her face is white as a sheet on a dead body; her eyes are bloodshot, blood is pouring down her nose, a scary amount. "Amanda, your nose looks broken, you need to get that checked out." She rises so fast her legs can't support her, and she falls back on the couch. I move closer, but she shoots up, "I'm fine, I'm just anemic and tired, no reason to waste the department's money."

"I'm sorry Liv, You're right I should have walked away I'll take whatever punishment you feel I deserve. I'll pay for any damages. Please don't get IAB involved." she moves fast, trying to get away, but I block her watching the tissue filling with blood too quickly.

"I'm not punishing you until I know what happened, who said what?"

"Captain with all due respect I'll take whatever you give me, please just drop it, it's no one's business."

There's something in her voice desperation that scares me. Her eyes are wild, searching everywhere reminding me of when she used to come in drunk after a night of gambling. Sighing, I shake my head; I thought we had passed this chapter in her book.

"Rollins, are you gambling again and do not even think about lying to me, because I will find out, I swear I will fire your ass."

I see the light change in her eyes shock, disappointment hurt. "No, Captain, I swear I am going to meetings; I haven't gambled in years. This isn't something illegal."

"Than what dose Kat have over you?"

She closes her eyes for a minute leaning back against the wall. I take her tissues out of her hand's blood thick and warm spills over the smell of iron hits me so strong I gag. "Christ, she got you good, Rollins."

"Amanda, talk to me whatever you say stays between us, Kat's in a world of trouble for punching a superior officer."

"No matter what you say." she rises quickly too quickly. I see her eyes roll back her legs wobble, so I rush over, grabbing her. Wrapping my arm under hers, "We're going to New Amsterdam ER now, no arguments."

She gives up fighting me, laying her head against mine as I slowly start walking her towards the elevator. Kat, of course, attempts to come near me "Captain." holding my free hand up towards her. I glare, "Not, now Katriona, go home, you're suspended for three shifts."

"Captain, you didn't give me a chance to explain."

"Explain what Officer? You punched a superior officer for no reason; you're lucky I didn't fire your ass."

I hurry a motionless Amanda to the elevator as her head rolls back small moans escape her lips, which are covered in blood. I notice her eyes focused past me towards Kat who's lips are moving I can read them clearly even though no words come from them, she mouths them. "You started this fire bitch prepare to get burned, Georgia Peach."

Everything happens fast when we get to the hospital. They take her back, leaving me in the waiting room for what feels like hours until a doctor approaches me. "Captain Benson?" "Yes, I am, who are you?" "Hi, I'm Dr. Helene Sharpe Amanda's doctor she gave me permission to bring you back to see her and brief you."

"She'll be alright her red blood cell count is a little low, so we gave her a transfusion, along with fluids. I ran some tests which will get the results back in a few days; she can fill you in on what the tests are for."

"We're you able to stop the bleeding? Is her nose broke?"

"With factor and the blood transfusion yes we were able to, her nose is broken I would have liked her to stay in overnight, but she refused so I'll draw the paper workup for her discharge, make sure she rests for the next day or so she will be dizzy, weakened. Plus sore from several of the tests."

"Consider it done, Dr. Sharpe thank you so much." She leads me into Amanda's trauma bay. I nearly stop breathing when I see how small she looks, how pale, she's curled up into a fetal position tears streaming down her face. I hate seeing her look so fragile I need to get to the bottom of this fight, I can not have my detectives ending up in the ER curtsy of themselves and each other.

"Hey Captain, no worries I'll be out of here soon, I look worse than I feel. I'm just tired." She's lying, of course. "I'm not sure you are Amanda, I need to ask you why did Kat threaten you?"

"She's a bitch, that's why."

"Rollins, I think it's more than that." She shrugs, "Free country, Captain, you can think how you want."

"Watch your tongue Rollins, I've been decent with you, but you're bringing your issues with Kat into my squad room; you lose your right to personal space."

"She's jealous because I got to where I am, she's a thirsty bitch that wants to rise without doing the work."

"Bullshit, Rollins Kat's impulsive yes, but she's a damn good detective and puts the work in, try again."

"It's personal Liv, I told you before suspend me, fire me frankly I don't care I just want you to butt the hell out of my life."

"Rollins, if you are scared you can trust me, I know I haven't earned it but I am here for you."

"I can't trust you, Liv; it's too little too late."

Her words stop me cold I know we haven't been close in all these years, but I had thought we were building trust up over the last three years. The fact that she believes we haven't stops my heart from beating. Have I really lost her too?

"We ain't sisters, we ain't friends, we barely tolerate each other, I wish it weren't true Olivia, but you made it clear you don't like me, you made it clear I am nothing to you. So with all due respect, Captain, get the hell out of my room. I will take my secret to my grave before I ever trust you."

**(A/N: I own nothing except my plot thanks for all those who review, favorite and follow. Working on another fic based on the musical rent but SVU style let me know who you want paired with who, Rolivia of course will be featured. Follow me on twitter or IG Mileycfan4eva)**


	2. Chapter 2 Faking It

**Chapter 2: Faking It**

**P O V: Amanda Rollins**

**(A/N: Short Chapter to get everyone through till I can post chapter three which will be longer and feature Rolivia. Thanks for all the love and reviews, this chapter is Amanda solo.)**

**Washington Square Park **

**New York, NY **

**February 14th Seven-Thirty pm**

A brilliant man once wrote it's not how many years you live but how you fulfill the time you spend here. His name was Johnathan Larson; he was the creator of my favorite musical ever. Rent.

Growing up in the deep south living in the secret veil of shame, lies, denial fear taught me early on that I could depend on one person, and only one person. For a while, after coming to New York City, I had held hope that maybe I could find some people here to depend on, Olivia was my main hope, the woman who I had idolized since my teenage years. Who got me through endless days of pure hell, who showed compassion for victims.

Life killed that dream, I dreamed within minutes upon arriving. Taking a long puff of my cigarette, I push back my tears; I can't believe how quickly I lost my temper at the hospital. God, I don't need to worry about Kat getting me fired, I did a fantastic job of this myself.

How am I suppose to pay my rent? New York is expensive; how am I going to pay for my medication? My doctor's appointments? There's no one I can talk to about this all my so-called friends have their own lives; Sonny jumped ship this year as soon as he passed the bar, now he's a light that passes my harbor whenever he needs to.

Fin has his own family, and he's traded me for the younger version bright, sassy eager, smart and beautiful Kat who has it all, and she fucking knows it too. Flicking my cigarette, I let out a ring of smoke; I wish my tears were as natural to let go of, their frozen behind a wall of self- hate, shame, and fear. I can't let anyone see me cry. Kat wouldn't she's more put together than I could ever fake being.

I'm frigging good at faking it too, I should be I've been doing it my whole life faking being happy, faking enjoying sex with people who I couldn't stand, pretending that our family was fine when in reality we were one card short of folding into a pile of ashes.

Faking being straight something I knew from a very early age. I am most definitely not. Fake being the good Christian girl who attended churches, who gave herself to God, who never sinned, while every weekend I was down in Atlanta exploring my sexuality with help from my uncle Pascal who would drive me every Friday. At the same time, he went to meet his boyfriend.

Pansexual a word never uttered in my childhood hometown Loganville, Georgia. A town so set in its old fashioned ways that if you dared defied the church, community, or tradition you were banned, Difference was meet with whispers stares, banning my uncle learned the hard way when he came out as gay. My mother never spoke to him again; his parents disowned him.

I didn't care he was my uncle; he was funny, smart, good looking, strong and fierce he showed me love and acceptance every day of my life, he taught me how to survive in that town until I could get the hell out.

Uncle Pascal introduced me to the brilliant musical Rent when I was fifteen and a half when he took me to see it on Broadway he was dating one of the backup dancers, Antonio. Rent tells the story of a group of impoverished young artists struggling to survive and create a life in Lower Manhattan's East Village in the thriving days of

Bohemian, Alphabet City, under the shadow of HIV/AIDS.

Don't think too deep, Amanda don't breathe too tight, just step one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Don't cry; tears are for the weak; you haven't lost your dignity yet. If I keep walking, I won't cry. I can keep focusing on my cigarette how bright the amber is. I use to be that bright.

Now life has worn me down.

There's no use crying over it. Tears don't do anyone any good all they do is drown a person's soul. Stopping at the edge of the railing, I overlook the city. It sparkles so bright, so full of life, hope, and dreams.

So many people out there so many faces with names and dreams, I wonder how many have been snuffed out without society ever knowing they existed. Will anyone remember Tucker twenty years from now? He was fierce as an investigator made loads of enemies, but in the end, will those boys in blue even remember him when they are old and retired? How much of an impact did he make on this world?

How much do any of us ever make?

Time we think we have forever; we never think it'll be up until it is. We don't always get a warning about when it's going to be up either. Tucker didn't; Tonio didn't; my cousin Nessie didn't. She was only six when the truck blew a stop sign and killed her. My ex-girlfriend Sage went to pick up her daughter from school one day dropped over from a raging infection. She was gone days later I was already here in NY, I never knew what infection it was that she died from.

Now I wonder, and I can't believe how stupid I was, how I didn't put it together.

Letting a shaky breath, I light another cigarette and smash the old one under my foot. I never liked Tucker much; the bastard was a real shit to me every time my sister caused trouble, I hated how he pressured Olivia into trying to do what he wanted, but I never wished him dead. The wind blows cold against the waters, but I barely feel it. All I feel is fear right now, cold sicking numbing fear, a fear so deep I want to drop to my knees and scream.

No one would notice, this is New York City were notorious here for being assholes who just shove past and keep going. My luck I would get the one decent soul here in this city who would all 911, and I would be hauled off to Bellevue.

The rain falls on the just and unjust that's my uncle always said; God didn't pick and choose he created men equally; it's the society that has separated themselves, ourselves. He's a wise man, a man who would be so angry at me, so disappointed to learn what my status. He always worries for me, every week, he calls me to see how I am doing if I have gotten the balls to tell Olivia how I feel about her. The only one in my family who speaks to me, except Kim, but does she count? All she ever calls for his bail money.

Yeah, I did well today, Uncle Pascal you would be so proud. I'm winning as Charlie Sheen would say. Sometimes life just sucks. Taking short breaths as my therapists say doesn't help at all. Even my cigarettes are doing little to help.

Nothing can help me now because the one thing I need is the one thing no one can give me.

Time

It's run out for me. I always knew my time here would be short; I just never thought it would matter. Until today when I was in the hospital staring into Olivia's eyes, They took me by surprise frequently so annoyed with me. Today they held compassion, fire, and love.

"Maldita mujer. ¿Quién mató a tu Akita, Evita?" (Damn, Girl who killed your Akita, Evita?) I crack a slight smile as my real-life Mimi, my roommate Lourdes De La Reyes comes up smacking my ass. "La Vida lo hizo, perra" (Life did, bitch) I answer back as she steals a cigarette. "Okay, being serious fro realz, I ain't got time to play. I'm due at work in twenty, what's gotten you so down?" "Liv and I got into a huge fight today she's so afraid to lose anyone else she loves, She shouldn't have to be afraid. She shouldn't have to bear any more loss. She doesn't deserve it. I have to protect her at all costs." "Bitch, please, I am high what the hell are you rambling about?" I glance in Lourdes's eyes and see she's correct as a cop I should report her, she knows she can't bring it in the house, she's respectful about that, but it doesn't stop her from getting it from somewhere, anywhere, anyone. I hate it; it kills me to see her working at the strip club, shaking her nude ass for these pigs. "Para, mirándome así. Todos tenemos que hacer lo que tenemos que hacer para sobrevivir en este mundo. Sacudo mi trasero por cerdos, tú guardas a los cerdos. Ojo por ojo, todos tenemos equipaje sis ". (Stop, staring at me like that. We all gotta do what we gotta do to survive in this world. I shake my ass for pigs; you put the pigs away. Tit for tat, we all have baggage sis.") "So, what are you going on about?" I hand her the paper as I walk away, calling over my shoulder, "don't go home with any of those pigs, or I will slaughter your ass girlfriend." I hear her gasp as she reads the one word on that damn paper, a word most people think is something right. Positive "Talk to her Amanda, don't go through this alone, she won't leave you, she ain't Alyssa." She has no idea what she's talking about Olivia may not be as shallow as Alyssa, her ex-girlfriend, but she's no saint, she has a child to protect. She'll never let me near him or her squad if she knows. I'll be banned from even being a police officer; forever, all my hard work will be gone in a blink of an eye. Tears block my vision for a hot minute as I think of what author John Greenleaf Whitter once said. Of all the saddest words of tongue or pen, the saddest are it might have been. He's right when I think about what might have happened between Olivia and me if I had ever dared to tell her I am in love with her, just maybe she would have said it back. Perhaps not, but we will never know. Because now I am out of time. I have to make the most of what I have, and right now, that means making sure Olivia is safe, happy, and loved. She can't know it's me, of course, but that won't be an issue. I'm an expert at faking it. She has to go on thinking I don't trust her, don't give a damn about her. It won't hurt as bad when I am gone. That's another thing I am positive about. 


	3. Chapter 3 You Matter

**Chapter 2: You Matter **

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

The wind blows over the river as I break apart my pretzel to scatter to the critters who dare come out in the cold. I'm drained not just in the physical sense but in the emotional state between memories of Tucker and playing referee to Amanda and Kat. Looking up, I see snow is starting to fall heavy, wet as a kid I loved snow the wonder of something so small so fragile so cold being so beautiful it was magic to me where did it come from, who sent it down? The angels? A snow fairy? Did God create snow? How did they decide when it should fall and where?

Snow as a kid meant no school to any kid that's Christmas, Birthdays all in one beautiful vacation package. No child hates snow even as a kid in The Bronx, Brooklyn a concrete city we found ways to make use of the snow all of us kids would gather at Charlotte La Rue's house she owned the most prominent house in our grade.

We would make hot chocolate build snow forts there were always at least twenty to thirty of us so we would develop teams and race to see who could build the biggest fortress in the shortest time. Winners got to have the losing team do the winning teams chores at school for a whole month. No Chores for a month that's heaven to a kid.

Even back then I was a leader taking charge of the team I was on ordering others to specific tasks one thing I learned was that just because you can build the fastest fort doesn't mean it will be the sturdiest more than once I had my fort crash down on top of me.

Even on those days, I always had a blast because I was with my friends we would laugh, throw snowballs, chase and tackle each other till we would collapse in exhaustion deliriously happy-making snow angels. Looking up at the starry sky or as much as we could see mid the city of neon chrome and flashing lights.

We would share our dreams for what our lives would be like twenty-thirty years from then groaning about how slow time was moving for us and how twenty years seemed like forever. We wished for more snow days.

Now, as an adult, I feel as if I have lost my childlike wonder. I fear what has replaced it; snow no longer marvels me now. I see it as a hindrance. It's cold, wet, dirty, heavy, and causes delays. Some days like today, I miss my childhood wonder as much as I miss my ability for my bladder to hold its urine. Throwing my pretzel down hurrying home, I'm cold and done with today.

The walk home is one big reminder of how alone I truly am all around me couples hold hands kissing or touching each other tenderly, bending their heads together to pose for that perfect selfie. Love is in the air.

Tears steadily fall, my face clogging my throat. It's not even about Tucker per se I lost him years ago. It's the idea that I may never be able to open myself up to freely love I may never be somebody's someone.

That one person who when you call they instantly know without words, they feel your pain it becomes theirs, they finish your sentence. They know every fear, dream, and tickle spot I want to be somebody's girl again, to be somebody's baby, lover, sweetheart, no their forever love. I want to be able to be myself share my hopes, dreams, and to be held in their arms when I am afraid without being judged.

I deserve it, don't I?

God, I wish I could talk to Dr. Lindstorm. I can't I lost respect and trust for him if I can't trust him. I can't speak to him. Without faith, what is there in a relationship? Nothing. There's nothing more that I am looking forward to right now than a bottle of wine and a bubble bath. Noah is at Casey and Alex's home, so tonight I am alone, the way it seems I am destined to be.

It's dark. I flip open the door sighing as I attempt to throw my coat on the couch, which I realize is a mistake when I hear it thump on the floor. Along with some angry Meows as my cats, Taylor and Swift scatter hissing. Tears fall freely. I can't even keep my cats happy, what kind of person am I?

"Surprise!"

I nearly collapse when I hear my son's voice yelling out, stumbling back I hit the light switch. Seeing Noah standing by a beautifully decorated table white linen-covered in pink and gold hearts, two wine glasses one filled with a dark red wine and one with non-alcoholic -white- grape champagne. The air's scented with Italian food. "Wow, Noah, this smells amazing! You did all this?"

He grins, "With help, Mama, I am only nine. I can't make anything in the oven by myself, duh" laughing, I hold my arms open for him, and he comes running to them. As soon as he is in them, I find myself glad he didn't go out tonight. "Lucy?" It's useless to stop the tears from falling "Hey, Liv glad you are home Franco keeps texting me he has reservations for us is it okay to go?" "Yes, of course, thank you so much for doing this."

"Oh, I didn't. I just watched Noah while your secret Valentine did all this."

"Wait, so you didn't? Who did?" She grins, handing me a card. "It's all there have an amazing evening Liv, Noah be good for Mama, she deserves a night of relaxation." "I will, Lucy! Be safe!"

"Mama, this food smells delicious, can we please eat? I am starving!" "of course, sweetie, so tell me about your day and did you help..who made this meal again?" He giggles, "Mama read the card if you want to know, and my day was great!"

As amazing as this food smells, I need to know who sent this, so after I cut Noah's food, I settle down with a glass of wine and open the card.

Dearest Olivia

I know I messed up at the hospital. I should have never have yelled at you or told you that you didn't matter. I am so ashamed of myself because it isn't true. You do matter to me. Honestly, you matter more to me than I can ever admit out loud.

I know you've noticed that I haven't been myself for a while. It's true, and sometimes I just don't know how to keep lugging around this weight with me not knowing what will happen if I share it with someone, or at least ask for help in carrying the load. This is my story, and I should be the one telling it, not Kat.

So I'm writing you a letter because it's been so hard to say it all in one shot without breaking down and crying. Or getting into a fight with you, being so terrified of your reaction that I'll just change my mind and pretend nothing's wrong, and that my feelings can wait, or maybe I can still change, so I don't have to deal with having to tell you.

I'm Pansexual. I've been Pansexual for a while now, and I've known I was different since I was small. Please know that I wouldn't be coming to you now with this information if there were other options, so please don't ask me if I'm sure or if I think I can still change my mind.

I was born this way

I've been teased enough and heard so many hurtful things about being gay long before I realized I was Pansexual, and long before I decided to tell you. I was hoping that unlike the rest of the world, you wouldn't hate me too. I hope that I'm not wrong. When I came to New York, I was hurting, scared I didn't trust; I was nervous as hell because you had been my idol for so long, all I wanted to do was please you earn your respect. I quickly learned it wasn't meant to be. Still, I tried, watching you over the last nine years has taught me so much about compassion, leadership, honesty. Which is why I have to be honest now. For so long, I have been falling, scared, have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? I have it, sucks it feels like I could disappear? Like I could fall, and no one would hear?

I'm so scared you'll also tell me that the world will not like me, or that I will end up alone. I've already heard all of that before but hope that someone who loves me would never say those things. I Love you so much it's impossible to pick just one thing. I Love the way you laugh. I love the way you smile. I even love it when you make me mad and don't know why I love the fact you have never given up on me even when you wanted. You deserve to be happy, Liv; I want you to know that Valentine's Day isn't just for lovers; it's a day to celebrate all people in our lives who make us happy, Friends, Family, Bosses, Co-Workers anyone who has touched our lives in any way. You've touched my life in ways you will never know, so thank you, Olivia, I hope you see yourself in the way I see you, as a bad-ass warrior whose beauty isn't just physically to the eyes, your beauty is soul deep. Liv, you are everything every little girl dreams she wants to be when she grows up. A little bit of everything, spicy like hot off the grill BBQ, Sugary like the sweetest of southern sweet tea, fierce, brilliant, sexy, you have the world at your fingertips, you make beauty look effortless.

You are my hero Liv, and I am in love with you, but I know I will never be good enough to be with you, even if you were into girls, which I know you are not. This is the secret Kat threatened to tell; she thinks I am a coward for not coming out, for not being proud of who I am, she has no idea how much I have had to suffer growing up different.

I swore I would take it to my grave, but the more I thought about it, the more I understand she's right, I am a coward, you deserve to know how I feel you deserve the truth. Even if you hate me for it, I will save you the trouble of firing me or being uncomfortable in my presence. I love you, but I can't be rejected, so I quit, Liv I hope you find someone who makes you happy.

Enjoy the meal Liv, take the time to savor it, and know that you matter, your feelings matter, your voice matters, your hopes, dreams, fears, and pain matter to me. You are not forgotten or forsaken; I hear your worries; I hear you crying, thinking the world hates you, that if you vanished, no one would care, I would. You are worth remembering; you have made a difference in so many victims' lives. I wish you could see this simple truth.

You matter

Love always, forever Amanda Sienna Rollins

2/14/20


	4. Chapter 4 We Ran This Town

**Chapter 4: We Ran This Town**

**P O V: Amanda Rollins**

"Woof!"

"Okay Frannie girl, I know this is a long drive, I promise we will be there soon. Just hang in there a little longer." Frannie May's whimper tells me she's far from okay with waiting any longer to stretch her legs. She's already been trapped in this truck for over eleven hours.

My own body is starting to protest any more driving my arms ache, my shoulders are on fire, my head is pounding my stomach is turning, I can hardly keep my eyes open as if it needed any more proof my body produces a big yawn.

Pressing harder onto the gas, I roll down the windows hard, hoping the fresh night air will help wake me. Frannie barks in joy, shoving her head outside the passenger's side. I laugh. There is something cute about a dog sticking its head outside the window of a moving car.

Reminds me of my childhood looking around all I see is pure highway there's no mistake that we've left the city far behind the smell of cow maneuver is further proof even for me it goes right through me, and I am pure country. Most people can never picture living in the country if they grew up in the city, and most country folks can never imagine leaving behind the peace of the country life for the noise and bustle of the city.

Crazy Talk is what my kinfolk would say when I would tell them as a kid that someday I would blow that town for a big city. My mom always said, "that girl is too big for her britches." It's been over a decade since I stepped back into this town, but as I pull off the exit on Highway 81 South, I can feel the memories hitting me. It's dark only five-thirty am as I glance turn onto Pelcan Street.

The first place I see is the old roller-skating rink eighties music fills my brain as I can see my friends and I inside laughing in the heat of four corners, big floppy hair, ripped jeans, and over-loud popping gum. We were quite a bunch.

My first kiss happened right there. I was ten years old when Bobby McKeller pulled my pigtails, telling me I looked like an alien. So I slugged him twice on the third swing he pushed me down and pinned my hands above my head kissing me, so I kneed him in between his legs pushing him off to wash my face.

Mama grounded me for hitting a boy and disgracing the oh so great Rollins name. I smile, remembering that time laughing out loud at how silly Mama was how young and innocent Bobby and I were back then.

He was always the bad boy in our class, the heart-breaker who became the heartthrob who would lead our Loganville Senior High School Pyro Red Devils to three state championships. Those Boys of fall sure made our little town proud. I slow down as I pull onto Trident Trial as the high school in question comes into view.

Pulling over, I let Frannie May out she barks in happiness racing around like a loon in the lush field as I get out to stretch my legs. Leaning against the truck, I smile as I watch her exhaustion is hitting me hard. It's chilly here right now for late February but still warmer than what it is in New York City right now.

It hasn't changed much in the 21 years that I've been done with this place. Wow, 21 years I've been out of high school Olivia's been on the force with SVU 21 years.

No, I won't do this, I won't think of her. I can't it hurts too much though it does prove my point home that a relationship would never work with us even if she liked me back. The age difference is too big. I was a teenager when she was already well into her career.

Breathe Amanda, just Breathe.

Opening my eyes, I see the memories replay as if they are happening right in front of me; I can picture those halls, I can see it so bright walking into my first day of high school ever at age fourteen nervous as hell holding my best friend's hand.

Amaryllis Elizabeth Surrella, her big red hair curly from the Georgia heat in late August, the rosy checks she was so tall even at fourteen. Her red wired rimmed glasses made her an outcast; it's amazing how it only takes one thing to set someone apart in the small walls of High School. I start walking around the property; it's crazy how much time has passed, and yet so many things here seem timeless.

The Statue is ageless. The big ugly Pyro that we all use to make fun of still stands with the stupid football in its beak. I roll my eyes as I walk around the memorial for the students who have passed who were significant benefactors to the school or the town.

The football Stadium stands tall well maintained of course God forbid the precious football players, or their cheerleaders have anything but the best. I gag thinking of our first day in the school giggling over how cute JTT was on Home Improvement the night before — arguing over who was better N'Sync of course or backstreets boys her choice uh.

We didn't even see Megan Michelle, the head cheerleader coming towards us until she was on top of us, shoving us back as her friends dumped slushies on us. Stopping us cold, "Welcome to High School losers," she slurred at us, walking away with her friends laughing. I swore I would blow this town one day; Amaryllis swore she'd show them up one day.

The next year she traded glasses for contacts made the cheer-leading squad and dumped me as her best friend. I look around, sighing my body is sore no matter how much I move, so I start to jog running, always helped me in High School. Coming up over the hill, I see the massive sweeping weeping willow and jog faster. "It's still here, Frannie girl." I marvel at the craving that hasn't aged even in twenty-two years.

ASR + BLS 4eva 97

Blake Lawrence Shelton, my first serious boyfriend he was a musician always playing his guitar writing his own songs; he had big dreams. He wasn't afraid to put the work in to get his dreams; one of them was making me his girlfriend. Hence, on Valentine's Day 96, he serenaded me in the middle of the cafeteria with a dozen roses; of course, I said yes, I mean what girl wouldn't after having the entire school seeing it. I was mortified! Mrs. Sanders, our AP History teacher, though was so moved she cried she was obsessed with young love since her husband had died recently.

Lucas Pizzeria our first date we talked and laughed for hours he held my hand told me I was beautiful he walked me home through cotton fields he chased me through fields of golden wheat. We caught fireflies and made camp fire's in summer he played his guitar I sung. We fished and went ridin' on our ATV's; he treated Kim like a little sister. If I close my eyes, I can still hear the roar of the crowd of Friday Night Lights cheering those boys of fall; I can feel Blake's hand in mine as we cheered on #24 Bryan Shelton, his older brother.

In little towns like Loganville Football is gold, the boys who play them are gods, and the gods date the goddess who becomes homecoming queens. Blake wasn't a player, but he was the brother of one that was close enough. I was his GF, so by junior year, I was one of those golden chosen ones.

At least until the summer of 97' back to school end of summer beach party Kelsey Taylor's family home the team was playing beer pong I joined them I got wasted, I don't remember all the details even now.

I try to shake those memories away, but they're not so easily washed away like ocean waves they roll on in at their own pace. "Chug! Chug!" I can hear the chanting as I drowned the 8th or 9th beer the God's were cheering me on who was I to say no? I could listen to the whispers of the Queens, "OMG, how is she still standing?" "I know right; I can't hold that much alcohol, that's so bad-ass." One pair of eyes burrowed into my mind cucumber green filled with pity, I hated pity, Amaryllis could take her pity and shove it, I kept her stare though grinning at her conveying one message I survived her betrayal. I was fine on my own. I could make my own friends; I am a survivor.

It's my last fully formed memory of that night the rest plays in bits, pieces Blake dancing with Penny Davis, anger fueling my steps, Seth Mitchel, David Jenkins, Samuel Richards all giving me beers, laughing and holding my hands.

Boys fill my mind too many to keep track of in each nightmare I have their faces change, their voices are different. Clothes scattered on the floor, guys cheering the backseat of a blue pickup truck. The words are all a blur.

"Told you she was tight, hurry up I'm next."

"Keep watch."

"Your beautiful Amanda, Dude, you forgot the condom."

"I told you she was easy, my little bro told me so, he's tapped this piece for over a year."

Easy-Ass-Amanda, my new nickname it was all over school by the start of senior year a new year, a new boyfriend, no best friend, no virginity but a new brand. I survived though spent a lot of my days drunk, high trying to numb the pain of isolation in those school hallways drinking down by Bart's lanes the local bowling alley it's behind those alleys where I first saw Frannie she was a cold shivering little mess of a pup so I brought her to my uncle's he kept her till I could grow up and move the hell out of this town.

"Amanda!"

I spin nearly scared to death my hand flies to my hip only to remember I turned in my service weapon along with my badge when I left New York. My heart skips a beat when I see it's my cousin Brent. "How did you find me? He flashes his grin "I'm a cop, Amanda, the same as you remember?" I roll my eyes, "Bastard, you tracked me." "Guilty as charged. Come on, bring it in for a hug to your favorite cousin." I sigh, heading into his arms. "You lucky, you are my favorite." "That's cause I am the coolest and the only one not like your mother." "Uh, stuck up, bitch, you did not tell her I was coming, right?" "Girl, please, you know me, I got more sense than a goose."

"So how long you been back in town for?"

"You've been tracking me; you tell me mother goose. Lawd the memories."

"Yeah, they're all over this town it ain't changed much since the days when we ran this town."

"No, it sure hasn't."

"You must be wore slap. Girl, you've been traveling for over 13 hours."

"I am down with the bursitis."

"Let's go home; dad's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.

Laughing, I lay my head on my cousin's shoulder as we walk to my truck, "you walked?" "I did want me to drive?" I nod, closing my eyes as we walk in silence the rest of the way. Even as he starts to drive, I remain silent, just resting, amazed at how tired I really am.

Passing the middle school where I got into a backyard brawl at eleven years old makes me smile. Sally Jade Pickens called my little sister a snot-nosed brat, which she was, but only I was allowed to call my sister names. So I punched her she grabbed my hair and wrestled me to the ground country girls are a sturdy bread. We were rolling in the dirt, hitting and pulling each other hair — punching kicking and biting. Our classmates cheered as we made each other bleed and shoved each other's faces into the mud.

She lied and blamed me. I told the truth I was suspended she was given a lollipop and sent to class. Mama whopped my ass. I can still hear the principle's words as she suspended me "White Trash hillbillies. Good for Nuthin' trouble makers." She wanted me to apologize, so I spit in her face no one called me white trash, and no one talked shit about my family, I wasn't sorry, and I never would be for defending the family.

Kim's blood and that's deeper than roots water or dirt the lights changes to green, and we speed off. Passing Rimes Pharmacy where Kim got busted at 12 for stealing Mama's sanity drugs.

We were so poor we didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, the owner of the store Mr. Rhymes came out with a shotgun chasing Kimberly who was shaking and crying. So I stepped in front of the two begging and pleading. We were all Mama had Daddy had been gone for years he had run off with some white trash half his age. Mama is a proud Southern woman who would never beg for what she needed, so we were forced to do what we had to just to get through and by.

I was fourteen, but pervasive Mr. Rhymes let her go with the promise that I would work every day after school doing whatever he said until the drugs were paid off. I did it all unloading delivery trucks stocking shelves, rodent removal, cashier, sweeping up. "Amanda, remember that time when you and Riley Pearson went to first base?" "boy, do I remember? That's how I was outed. Mama walked in on us and went bat-shit crazy!" He points to the movie complex that has long been shut down since I laugh so hard I start to cough, remembering the look on my mother's face when she walked into the movies and saw her sixteen-year-old daughter making out with another girl.

Lighting up a cigarette, I let out a long drag "ah, shit, I remember that night you came round my house and my dad flipped his tail went right over to your house carrying on a fuss about his sister kicking his niece out of the house."

"Boy, I lived it. I remember."

"I never thought I would miss this town."

"Is it the town you miss Amanda or the people?"

"Not the people most of them are old hicks with sticks up their butt holes. Maybe it's the innocence."

"That sounds right as hard as it was we had hopes, we had dreams and motivation to make them happen."

We pass fields of wheat, which we use to chase his brother Wade and sister Carrie through we all played as kids. We had each other's backs. We fought sure, but the family was tighter than rope. It's my fault I haven't been close to Carrie or Wade in years when I blew this town I stopped communicating with everyone except Brent.

"You're home now Amanda, you can follow the yellow brick road to whatever glittering city it leads you to, but the old' good dirt road will always lead you home. You're safe here; I'll protect you." If only that were true if only he knew the truth. I'm not safe anywhere. My enemy follows me no matter what city I am or how much time passes. My enemy is my blood; it's with me every day every second; It's slowly killing me; my blood is a constant reminder. Just like that tree along Bay Creek Church road, I spot the burnt black trunk where Joey LaTante's pickup truck crashed into it two days after he got his driver's license. He drove home drunk from Mandy Randalls' sweet sixteen birthday party with his girlfriend Amaryllis, her best friend Katie Wayne, and her boyfriend, Mark Jacobs.

I was living in the house right on the edge of that road across from my uncle back then; I saw the explosion from my bedroom window. We moved across town two weeks later when Mama's latest boyfriend kicked us out after I refused to sleep with him.

The accident claimed three of those four young lives that night only Mark lived. "He joined the Army, you know, made his hometown proud, he grew up making something out of himself. I think the guilt drove him a little crazy for a while." I stared at Brent. He was closer to Mark than I was, "Mark was supposed to be driving that night, but Joey saw he was too drunk, so he took the keys."

I whistle, "Guilt's a funny thing. I heard he married book nerd Hillary Jerkins out of high school. They have six kids now." "Yeah, it's about as shocking as Blake marrying Carrie." "Uh, seriously, you had to bring that up my own damn cousin married my ex-boyfriend."

"Fuck, our lives are really like some twisted country song."

Laughter fills the truck as we pull up to his family farm. Frannie jumps out, barking enthusiastically and hopping around, nipping at butterflies and weed whacking the grass with her stream. My uncle's dogs bark not so happy to see another dog on their property.

"Mandaranda." My uncle's voice calls out loud and steady as he stands on his porch, waving it feels good to be home. I pause to look around down south it's where I was born, blessed with holy water, raised in cotton fields of God fearing sweet tea, had my wild oats sewn, had my heart broken and found my roots but grew my wings to test my strength out in the world. It's where I will die.

It's heaven; it's hell; it's where my slice of good old American Apple pie was baked my heart is here with my family as severely as we fight I can always come home. Down South.

"I need some sweet tea and some sleep ya'll." "you got it, Georgia Peach. Let's go." I push Liv's voice out of my head, remembering the times she's called me her Georgia Peach. Instead, I look up to my uncle and smile, "Let's go, Frannie. We're home."

I whistle for her and hear it echo for miles, no sirens, no shouting, just good old outdoor air, and peace.


	5. Chapter 5 Love Is Love

**Chapter 5: Love is Love **

**POV: Olivia Benson**

"You were six Olivia; no one could have heard you scream even if the water hadn't been rushing into your throat, even if it hadn't clogged your airways, preventing you from talking. You were alone, Liv, away from everyone in an ocean. No one was around even if you could have screamed."

"Yes, Alex. I remember this. I was after all the one who almost drowned because of my own curiosity. That was many years ago. Why bring that up now?" Spinning away from the window in my office, I place my coffee cup down on my desk facing my best friend Alex Cabot, who is sitting across from me in my office.

"I bring it up because you're blaming yourself for not seeing that Amanda was sinking into this state of depression, how could you have known? She had no visible signs of being in trouble; she wasn't drinking or coming in late. She seemed to be holding it together; you are not a therapist or a mind reader. Liv, we all have secrets, it took me years to come out, to trust anyone with this gut-wrenching secret. To even accept who I am, to love myself, Amanda obliviously had a hard time coming to terms with who she is. I think she felt like she had to come out so that Kat wouldn't take away her choice. Right now, she's scared of how you'll react."

"I get that Alex, that's why I need to find her quickly."

"What will you say when you find her?"

Her question startles me, which causes her to nod and smile tightly "I have no clue Alex; I don't know how I feel there are so many complicated feelings, so much to take in. It's a kaleidoscope of emotions."

"Well, let's start with making a list, Liv." Alex loves to make her lists. She is after all the top DA on the east coast. Instantly she grabs a pen, a notepad, and starts writing down questions to ask myself.

"Are you angry about her yelling at you?"

"Not thrilled that Amanda yelled at me. She showed little respect for authority or the fact that I was worried, but she had a lot going on, so no, I'm not mad at her, just worried. She felt like she had to carry this secret alone. I'm madder at Kat."

"You know that Amanda can't help who she is, correct?"

"Yes, Alex I know that people aren't born with a choice in their sexuality I am after all an SVU detective, I know that people don't choose to be straight or gay no more than people choose to be white or black. It's simply who she is."

"Good, next Liv, you need to really dig deep and take in what she's told you. Coming out is a huge deal, it shouldn't be, no more than someone who is straight, but that's not how our world works. For someone like Amanda, who grew up in a small town being told that gay is a sin, who never even heard the word Pansexual until she was older. For her to choose you to be the one she tells that's huge Olivia, honestly, you should feel honored, privileged that she trusted you to come out to."

"What do you know about the difference between Pansexual, Bisexual?"

"Bisexual is sexually attracted to both genders, male and female, while pansexual is having romantic feelings and attraction to males, females, and third gendered individuals."

"Good Liv, now the hard parts, how is knowing this make you feel towards Amanda? Do you feel any different? Disgusted or betrayed?"

"Betrayed? Why would I feel betrayed? We weren't dating; she didn't owe me anything. We're friends, coworkers. Of course, I don't feel betrayed."

"I'm just asking honey because some people would feel as if they were lied to as women we spend years trying to define ourselves against a society that tells us we have to be a certain way, act according to how men feel women should act. Wear whatever clothes they tell us to wear only choose safe careers like staying at home making babies, cleaning the house. We have finally started to break that mold come into our own-selves, now that we have. People are telling us that women can't get along together. For the last seven years, you and Amanda fit right into that stereotypical mold."

"It's my fault, Alex, I was a total bitch to her for most of those years, I was jealous of her and Nick being so young and fresh, scorned over Elliot never giving me the love I craved and the fact he left me so abruptly."

"What you faced Liv is a form of PTSD between the shooting at the station the young kid dying, Elliot leaving. You had a rough start with Amanda coming to the 1-6. It's not your fault, sweetie, sure you could have tried harder, but you are human. We all fall; we all make mistakes. You are allowed to grieve, which comes in many forms anger, rebellion, fear, sadness. You get to feel them, Olivia, you get to work through them sometimes it takes months, years, sometimes we never truly work them out."

"Amanda stayed by your side giving you the time she took your anger sometimes it was justified she had a wild side, sometimes it wasn't, but she took it in-stride she supported you, and let me tell you it must have hurt like hell knowing now how she felt about you. She took her pain buried it so she could support you learn from you. Now it's your turn Olivia, but before you can do this, honey, you need to work through how you feel about her."

"Do you know how you feel about her? Do you love her back?"

"I'm not Gay Alex, or bisexual,"

"You don't have to be Liv you can like a girl without it making you a certain way; sometimes, you don't need a label."

"Love is Love Olivia if your heart is telling you something follow it."

"That's the issue, Alex. I don't know what my heart is telling me, except I am afraid of what Amanda might do if she feels like she's been rejected. I know I want her here in New York, she belongs here she's an amazing detective, and smart, funny, bold Amanda makes me laugh, she makes me forget sometimes just how unfair life is."

"Sounds like you already know how she makes you feel, find her Liv, tell her how you feel. Before it's too late."

"Love has many forms Liv friends, family lovers you don't have to pick one just yet, just let her know you accept her for who she is, that she isn't repulsive to you, or shameful. Let her know that even if you can't tell her that you love her back just yet or maybe even ever, that you can at least be there for her as a friend. She needs that more than anything right now."

"Thanks, Alex, I really needed to talk to someone I hope she doesn't think of it as a betrayal."

"She won't Liv, just let her know you weren't talking about her behind her back to be malicious; you just needed advice and a friend. I've been where she is and where you are, I was that scared girl looking for a friend, you were the first one I told my secret to and you helped me through Liv you gave me the strength to be myself, to accept myself love myself and be proud of who I am."

"You weren't in love with me, Alex, that makes things a little more difficult."

"Does it Liv, or is that just what you're telling yourself to make excuses for not chasing her down?"

Alex's question makes me stop and think. "Olivia, I know it's a lot to take in, believe me, I was you when Casey came out to me, she confessed to me she had liked me for a while, and believe me I didn't melt all over the place in happiness. I was horrified; it was my worst fear. I hated Casey for the longest time, but when she came out to me, I couldn't just throw her out or spit in her face. She was scared, falling down a dark hole of being held in this prison of secrets and chains of fear; she trusted me to be her person to come to for support. Taking the time to be there for her to help her accept who she is and to know that who she is isn't a sin, that it's more than okay; it's amazingly beautiful and unique. That was so rewarding for both of us,"

"Just find Amanda and offer her your hand the rest you have time to figure out, sweetie."

Right, find Amanda, where would I even start? Her cell phone was shut off; I can't even think of one place where she would go, which makes me wonder do I know her at all? Who are her friends? Who does she call when she's scared? Pissed or hurt? Kim, the only one I know who is local right now if Rikers is considered local. Kim's her best friend and her worst enemy, if anyone knows where Amanda is, it would be her sister Kimberly. "Want to take a trip with me to Rikers?

"Girl, you must really love Amanda if your willing to risk Hurricane Kim; yeah, let me call Casey. She might need to be there in case anything illegal comes up."

"I'm just asking her for information."

"She's a criminal Liv ain't nothing come free with them."

"It'll be worth it though if we find Amanda. Won't it?"

"Depends on the price you're willing to pay, babe."


	6. Chapter 6 Down South

**Chapter 6 Down South**

**P O V: Amanda Rollins**

**Residence of Paschal Bella **

**5636 Old Creek Bay, Road**

**Feb 16****th****, 2020 Three-Thirty pm **

"Oh my sugar, it's been too doggone long, you a might thin tell me you ain't turned into one of them gluten-free- sugar-free- taste-free crazy New Yorkers who are always dieting."

Pressing my lips together, I smile sweetly at Mrs. Heil. She's been one of my uncle's neighbors for years she's a busy body who can't seem to find a life of her own unless it involves gossiping about the neighbors, but she's always treated me decently. So I've developed ways to tolerate the old bitty.

"No, Ma'am just lost a lot of weight chasing after all those suspects in the city."

"Well, New York is lucky to have you. We sure do miss you down in these parts."

"Well, thank you, Ma'am, and thank you for coming today. It's great to see everyone here again."

She heads into the backyard my uncle decided to throw a welcome back party for me at the last minute word traveled fast though because the whole backyard is filled. Grabbing another beer, I look around would anyone notice if I slipped outside and kept going down the dirt road? Would they see if I jumped on good old Starlight's back and rode off into the sunset?

Animals have a fantastic sense of their surroundings, and their owner's feelings are picking her head up Starlight my American Paint Horse senses my distress from archers away. I didn't want a party. I just wanted to unwind rest and get some perspective, but my uncle didn't ask for my opinion. "It's amazing, isn't it?" Carrie's voice startles me "For someone who couldn't get outta this ol' town fast enough you sure can pack them in, people who ain't spoken hide nor hare to us in years have come because thy great Amanda Rollins hails in from New York."

"I'm not in the mood, Carrie step aside."

She moves to block me, "Or what? Are you going to hit me, Amanda? I ain't ten no more you can't push me aside like I don't matter cause I do matter, I got my voice and my feelings, so you better watch out, or I'll be fixin' to set your ass straight real fast."

"Ain't you got a master somewhere to answer to girl? Why don't you be gettin' out of my face or I'm going to show you the same level of respect we in New York show child molesters and you ain't gonna like it honey-child,"

I shove her swiftly aside, gripping the wall as a wave of dizziness overpowers me. Thankfully it's noisy and so busy here no one notices not that I expect them to people down south come for the show, not the star.

No one here cares that I am home or why I left, or even if I am staying, they just came for the gossip and to say they were here. By tomorrow I will be old news. They'll be on to some other newsworthy scandal. I'm the centerpiece right now shiny and golden in the sunrises, but come sunset; there will be someone else to take the glory.

"Phew, phew." Two little boys race by with super-soakers zapping each other, nearly knocking me down in the possess a pair of hands to steady me. "Heavens to Betsy, is that Miss Amanda Rollins?" my heart squeezes as a familiar Memphis drawl fills my ears. Presley Tallahassee Tennessee slides her arm around my waist, helping me to the closet chair on the back patio.

"Girl, I should be madder than a wet hen that you came down here and didn't tell me, how did I have to hear it from your cousin Brent?"

"Sorry, babe." I move closer to hug my best friend since I was thirteen, "it was a last-minute thang. Who are those crumb-snatchers that nearly made cows pie outta me?" She laughs, ruffling my hair "those are your cousins Wade boys Tucker and Trent." "where is Wade anyway? I ain't seen him since I came back."

"still overseas."

"Overseas?"

Popping open the second beer relaxing in my chair, I watch her expression turn from confusion into realization, "bless your heart Amanda you really don't know." "Know what?" "Wade, Blake, along with seven of our classmates, all joined the military after 911. Wade and Blake are in Afghanistan. They're due home in June."

"Who else joined?"

"Sarah Jerri, Thomas and Jack Bryant, Cory Reinhold, Christina Perri, and Mitchell Tyree." "Shit, I didn't know." the warmth of the alcohol slides down my throat as my body sinks in exhaustion. My eyelids feel heavy, "that's amazing. I'm so proud of them." "Sis, you can tell them that yourself in June when they come home; you'll still be here, right?"

Her eyes bury deep into mine, catching my breath, I can feel it, she knows. My hands shake as she takes them in hers. "You know, don't you?" she nods. "Only someone who's experienced Cancer's horror-coaster could know just by a glance, how long Amanda?"

"Dr. Sharpe can't tell me for sure, but my last Bone Marrow Aspiration showed 85% blasts in my marrow, it's metastasized to my spinal cord, spleen, brain. I'll be lucky to live to see the spring." "Oh, Shit, girl." she squeezes my hands. "I don't want pity parties, so put away those dang tears. I don't want my family to know, or anyone really, but damn I'm scared."

"It's natural, Manda, and you ain't gotta worry you can come down to Memphis to stay with me, ain't no one gotta know a damn thing girl, it's your business." My chest catches in between little puffs of air tears of gratitude slide down my checks. "Sounds amazing, thank you so much."

She smiles, fist-pounding me my whole body is shaking I feel her rub my leg "Forever Friends." our gazes lock as we both remember our friends who we've lost to this monster called Cancer. "Let's take a walk, Mandy; I can use the stretching." "Sounds good, Pres, so talk to me how is life down in Memphis? How is Aisling?" Her smile fills her whole face gently. I brush some of her honey- wheat curls out of her face seeing her checks fill with color. It's sweet how the second I mention her wife Aisling O'Connor, she lights up. "Phenomenal she has her second studio up and running, she's singed three new artists, Aisy is working on her tenth studio album next month we're celebrating our fifth yr anniversary."

"Shit, it's been five years already? Time sure has flown."

"Yeah, girl, it has you haven't seen your godsons in three years. They miss you. Aisy misses you like crazy she'll be thrilled to know you are coming down. Hell, I can't wait to see her. She's been traveling so much I barely see her anymore."

"She still running that camp in summer?"

"Yeah, every June- August, we pack up everything and take the kids to Wildwood, NJ."

"Sounds peaceful. I miss the beach haven't been there in years except for when we're recovering bodies."

She shivers which makes me laugh "uh, don't talk about bodies and recovering please you know I am squeamish I can't even watch those stupid cop shows. I don't know how you can do that for a living."

"Did I quit." sighing, I lean my head on her shoulder, tossing my beer into the trash as we make it into town. "Left a letter to Liv, told her everything except about being sick, and turned in my badge and gun."

I feel her hand slap the side of my head "bitch is your cornbread raw in the middle? This is the time that you need that sweet-faced well-born- well-breed industrious, brilliant woman. I swear child if your brains were leather, you wouldn't have enough to saddle a June-bug."

"Listen, I know you mean well but kindly butt the hell out of my personal life, I came out to Liv, and she didn't respond. Even if she did though I couldn't do this to her, she's grieving for Tucker."

"Do what, Amanda? Love her? Be with her?" "No make her watch me die; she's in too much pain as it is, her ex- Tucker, who was a fellow Police officer, killed himself after he was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. I understand why he didn't want his loved ones to see him suffer. I won't put her through the agony of watching me struggle for ever breath, losing control of my bodily functions, forgetting who she is, weakened limbs, seeing and hearing things that aren't there, moaning in pain as I drift in and out of consciousness."

"Shouldn't that be her choice Amanda?"

"No, because Liv is a strong, proud, stubborn woman who will try to hold it together be strong for me, comfort me, but inside it will be killing her, she's lost her brother, her friend Rachel who killed herself, Tucker. She puts on a brave face Pres, but I know her she'll come apart, she won't release her pain. She'll just push it aside as it rips her apart piece by piece."

"That's sweet, Amanda but maybe she would hold you comfort you, love you and not regret it, love hurts Amanda, but it's worth the pain."

"It's idealistic Pres but not reality." Leaning back I close my eyes starting to feel drained I feel her hand squeeze mine "It's your choice, Amanda, it's a foolish one, you deserve love Amanda if Liv can help you accept you let her even if it's only for a short time, even dying ladies need to get laid." I gasp laughing nearly choking on my own saliva she slaps my back "Sorry, not sorry." "bitch." "that's Queen Bitch honey, but seriously I will leave this subject alone on one condition."

"Seriously, you're making the dying girl bargain?"

"yes, just cause you say your dying doesn't mean I gotta change who I am."

"Uh, what's your condition already?"

"When we get to Memphis, you go see Dr. Callisto."

She names our Childhood Oncologist, "What's the point?"

"Because she's treated you since you were thirteen from the initial diagnosis to every relapse, treatment infection. She knows you, Amanda. I'm sure Dr. Sharpe is great in her fancy New York office, but she's only treated you since you've been well, she doesn't know how sick you were how hard you had to fight to get well each time."

"What do you want, Dr. Callisto, to do?"

"Offer you hope Amanda she might have other options; you'll never know if you don't try, the worst she can do is confirm what Dr. Sharpe said, if that's the case, I will stop interfering and let you deiced how to handle things from here out."

I see the pain in her eyes; she remembers all our friends who have died my hand rubs her back as it starts to hit me. I am actually dying, if Dr. Callisto can't offer me anything else than this is it all those years of fighting to live, fighting to stay ahead in school while undergoing highly toxic Chemo, radiation, infections. Struggling to keep dreaming of a better future fighting to remain strong enough to attend classes, it will all be for nothing because, in the end, Cancer will still win.

I get why you want to protect Liv. Aisling still has nightmares about Keavy's death she wakes up screaming soaked in sweat some nights because she can hear her gasping for air, she sees her skin rooting from a rosy peach glow to a yellow bruised taunt. She keeps hearing Keavy whispering Sorry."

I remember Keavy's final days as she lay in bed apologizing to all of us for dying, the memory of my fifteen-year-old friend Aisling's twin sister causes my throat to swell up. "All I can do is hold Aisy as she cries shaking, I can't take away her pain, no words will ever be enough."

"This is why I never ever want Liv to be a part of this. She can't handle anymore, and truthfully I can't either I need to spend my final days or weeks stress-free; if she's there, I will be worried about her the whole time."

We sit on a bench inside the basketball court where a teenage boy is shooting hoops alone. I take a few deep breaths of fresh air shivering she wraps her arms around me. "I use to play ball on this very court when I was a kid." Her laughter makes me smile "I can remember clearly Jack Bryant challenged me to a game of best of fives."

I can still recall the breeze of summer's kisses on my bare shoulders as Jack, Cole Swint, Beau Rhodes, Augustus Bennett, Everette Grady Warwick Hunter, and I played long and hard. I can almost feel the burn on my heals as those memories replay in front of me, "Jack was always a class clown doing funny tricks and pranks to make us laugh, making up little dances. He wasn't a great baller, but he was an amazing jester. Beau always had those camcorders with him filming us, usually resulting in him tripping and injuring himself."

She smiles, tracing her fingers over my chin "I had a boy in my class like that Jeffery Carlton he thought he was Carlton from Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air." We howl in laughter.

"Everette was always sneaking in the beers for us which by the fifth beer always made for a fun game hence the time Jack challenged me to best of five. Beer made him stupider so I would always cream his ass which made him angrier than a wet hen so he would change it to best of ten, twenty, thirty till he was flat broke."

"So to get even with me, he challenged me to either truth or dare. I never picked truth because I was always afraid of someone finding out my secret, so I picked dare."

"Oh, Lawd girl, what did they make you do?"

"He stole a pickup truck from his dad and made me ride in the back, flashing everyone as we zipped down Main street on Friday night." Her gasp makes me laugh as I recall the looks on club goers' faces, most of them drunk. I was really a wild child when I was younger; maybe I should stop and remember all the shit I did before I judge my sister next time. I feel the lump growing bigger, Kimberly. I wonder if I will get to see her before I pass? She's locked up in Rikers. I haven't been to see her in months. I keep telling myself I will. I just never got to it. There was always a case or a friend in need. I miss my sister.

"Ah,!" we jump as the ball bounces in front of our faces, I fall flat on my ass off the bench "sorry Ladies." the boy rushes forward to grab his ball he extends his hand towards us "I'm Messiah didn't mean to give you ladies a heart attack." Taking his hand, I manage to somehow get back on the bench. "thank you, Messiah. You are a delightful young man, very polite." He grins, flipping back his shoulder-length hair. "My Mama taught me to be respectful of women; after all, it's a woman who gave birth to me."

"Your Mama is a brilliant lady, what's her name? I might know her."

"Megan Michelle." Looking up, I whistle, "Wow, I haven't seen Megan since she used me as target practice in school." "Mama said she use to be a mean girl, what's your name? I'm sure she would apologize to you. I haven't seen you in these parts before."

"It's been a minute since I've been back. How old are you?"

"Thirteen."

"Where have you been living?"

"New York City." his eyes light up "Wow New York, I've been dreaming of going there for years! American Honey is coming there next week for Auditions! I want to be a star!" American Honey is one of the most popular singing competition shows in the world. "You sing?" "Yes, Ma'am. You wanna hear?"

"Sure, do honey."

**My Mama told me when I was young  
We are all born superstars **

**She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on  
In the glass of her boudoir **

**"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are."  
She said, "' Cause he made you perfect, babe."  
"So hold your head up girl, and you'll go far,  
Listen to me when I say." **

**I'm beautiful in my way  
Because God makes no mistakes  
I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way **

**Don't hide in regret  
Just love yourself, and you're set  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way (Born this way) **

**Oh there ain't no other way  
Baby, I was born this way  
Baby, I was born this way  
Oh there ain't no other way  
Baby, I was born this way  
Right track baby, I was born this way **

I feel tears start to fall as I hear his pain voiced so beautifully and perfectly through not just his words but his dancing his expressions. He has a special gift for touching people's souls. Presley moves closer, wrapping me into a tight hug. "That was phenomenal, honey. You have to audition."

The light dances off his eyes, flashing like orbs into the vanishing of nights cover like the sun upon sunset. I wonder where the rays of warm golden beauty go when they no longer shine. "I wish, but my parents would never allow me to my dad says boys are supposed to play sports, drink beer and flirt with the ladies. My Mama says I'm too different to make it in this world, at least now."

Different, she meant he's too gay. I see Megan hasn't changed, not in any passing of time. My heart breaks for this kid being stuck in this small town, knowing his talent his wings are too big to be held down.

"Don't be held down by anyone's expectations of who they think you should be. Follow your heart work hard and dream big; God makes no mistakes; everyone is beautiful in their own way; he gave you this amazing, wonderful personality and immense talent. He will make sure you use this talent in whatever way he sees fit. Sometimes the package isn't always what we pictured, but the gift remains a present no matter the wrapping."

"Thanks, Miss. Rollins, you gave me hope someday I will blow this pop-sickle of a town and sparkle like a diamond in the big city."

"Girl, he sounds like a mini-you."

We laugh, "Keep working hard I believe you could make it now if you could find a grownup who you trust to help you most competition shows allow video submissions if they accept you they pay the way for contestants to travel. you'll just need a grownup who can go with you doesn't have to be a parent as long as they have legal rights."

"Really?"

"Yeah, if you ever get to NYC and find yourself in trouble, go to the police ask for the Special Victims Unit and drop my name, I was a cop in that division they'll take care of you."

"Thank you. Miss, have an amazing night."

I'm suddenly exhausted, so I lay my head on Presley's shoulder "Let's leave tonight, I need to get out of here."

"I got you, babe. Rest, and I'll book the flight."

"Thanks, Presley."

**A/N: Lyrics belong to Lady Gaga.**


	7. Chapter 7 Deals and Promises

**Chapter 7: Deals and Promises **

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

No matter how many times I step foot inside prisons, I can feel my body stiffen with memories of one particular prison Sealview. It's been years since my undercover op almost resulted in me being sexually assaulted. The sounds of metal doors scrapping still bring a sea of nausea to me; my shoulders are so tense I can barely draw breath.

"Your safe, Olivia, Alex, and I got you."

Casey Novak's voice eases my discomfort slightly "I understand how you feel after I was assaulted it took months for me not to cringe when I walked into my office, some days I still jump when there are sounds at night, my baseball bat stays right by my side."

"It's horrible that women have to be so scared of being assaulted for simply doing our jobs." "Yeah, I agree; however, right now, I'm wondering why we are being lead past the meeting rooms." The guard turns towards us, gruffly muttering, "the prisoner you requested Kimberly Rollins is set for release today."

"Release? She's supposed to be serving seven years. She's only served three." "Good behavior, over-crowding, dumb-luck whatever you call it Captain she earned early parole. As of today, she is no longer our issues."

"No, you dump them back into society, and they become our problem. Gee, thanks." Alex mutters as my elbow finds a new home in her side. "Ow Damn Liv." "don't piss off the guards. We need them to get us to Kim."

"You really are desperate, Liv."

She shuts her lips as we enter the outtake area where I see Kimberly already dressed in street clothes her hair in a bun she almost looks lost too young to be in such a dangerous place with hardened criminals. She reminds me of a little girl waiting at the church altar for communion. You would never except a sweet little girl like her to hurt you, yet one look at her rap street, you lose your sympathy towards her.

"Well, Lawdy look what that damn cat dragged in from that dirty alley, if it ain't thou high priestess herself Captain Olivia Margaret 'fucked me over' Benson. Are you riding here on your high brass horse begging Lil' ol me for help?"

She laughs bitterly, "My how thee mighty have fallen. Didn't anyone tell you that I am a free woman I can't do no deals with the damn police." "Kim I am not here in a professional manner, with that attitude if I were I would keep walking right out that door, you haven't changed a bit."

The laughter dies on her lips, much like the dying days of innocence in her eyes. For a brief moment, my eyes connect with hers.

I'm taken down south to a different world I almost see what Amanda must see when she looks at Kim, the little sister who she raised as a daughter. Watching her run bare feet through golden wheat fields, the girl she held in her lap and read lullabies.

"Let me guess Amanda is in trouble?"

I nodded, watching as she rolls her eyes "Sweet Jesus, whatever she did if you want my help Benson, it'll cost you."

Why am I here? I'm a detective I'm sure I can find Amanda I call in favors, think fast I can go old school do I really need this hot mess? How can I trust her? She's already bargaining with her sister's life. Alex is right; she's a criminal plain and simple a con artist out for only one person. Herself.

This is the deal, Kimberly." Casey starts to do her lawyer thing sharp and no messing. "Amanda quit her job left a letter to Liv confessing some personal secrets and vanished we need to find her, but she's a cop she knows how to think like us and avoid detection."

"So you need my help to track down my sister? Oh, that's rich. She's laughing again. Why does her laugh make me picture Cruella de vil? Breathe Liv breathe; you can't strangle her too many witnesses too many cameras.

"That's the general theory Kim. Will you help us or not?"

"Two conditions." "What are they, Kim? No promises."

"No promises ADA Novak no deal, I ain't stupid bitch your raggedy-Ann ass locked me up, don't think I forgot that part."

"Kim, get over it. You got yourself locked up by robbing, carrying an illegal weapon, and possession of narcotics."

"Whatever you want to talk deals or not? Cause as I said previously I am a free woman, I don't gotta do nutting, I ain't want to Amanda can watch her own back, she ain't as fragile as you three seem to think she is. Southern gals are a tough breed."

"Fine." Casey's lips press so hard together she's nearly turning blue. "What are your conditions?"

"Number one I need a place to live, my friend tried to hook me up, but the place she got is rank."

"Not so hard, what's your second?"

"Tell me what my sister said in her letter; I need to know her state of mind and why my sister, who's dreamed of being a cop in your unit since she was seventeen, suddenly runs."

The ride back to town is quite as I try to think of places I can call to get Kimberly in. When we get back to the city, we head to a popular pizzeria. When were standing in line a little boy drops his ball. He can't be older than two, so Kim drops to her knees, handing it back to him, tickling his stomach. He squeals in laughter, "she almost looks harmless."

"Casey, some people say snakes are harmless too."

"They are Alexandra, my love; it's their venom that's lethal. Not the snakes, they just get a bad rep."

Alex eyes her wife grinning, as Casey replies with "I'm adorable. Don't even try to hate me." "Oh, I'm more than trying Novak. I'm succeeding, and I am planing your punishment as we speak."

"Can't wait make it hurt Cabot. I like pain, and I like pleasure."

"Damn, I love it when you are naughty meow." Alex instantly takes Casey's face inside her palms pulls her closer and kisses her deeply. I try not to stare, but it's hard, my heart yearns to feel that love again, to be somebody's number one. To be loved like Amanda loves me, dear God, where is she?

"Your so green with envy right now, Miss Olivia." Kim's voice snaps me out of my graze-trance, "Excuse me?" "I'm watching you watch them, and all I see is envy shinning in your eyes. I'm great at reading people. Just ask Amanda. Oh wait, you can't until you find her." her laughter rings over my soul like a black storm cloud making me feel uneasy and jittery. Now, I understand why Amanda calls her sister Hurricane Kim.

I was hoping; unlike the rest of the world, you wouldn't hate me too. I hope I'm not wrong I'm falling, scared have you ever felt forgotten? Amanda's words jump right back at me, "Your not forgotten Amanda, I'm coming to find you."

Pulling out her letter, I hand it to Kim, watching as her expression changes, "Wow, sissy finally did it, she came clean. I can't believe it! She told me she would take this secret to her grave." "She told me the same thing, Kim, while she was in the hospital."

"Hospital?" Kim's voice shakes, "Why was Amanda in the hospital?" I fill her in on the fight the bloody nose Kim's sigh worries me her face pales. "Head to the airport, I know where Amanda is, but we have to hurry time isn't on our side."

What does she mean by that?

**A/N: Who's excited for tonight's episode? I am Kim's back baby! Thanks for all the love and support, have an amazing week everyone. Please be patient with the lack of Rolivia in these chapters, my twitter poll I did showed people want to see the chase between Olivia and Amanda. **


	8. Chapter 8 The Journey

**Chapter 8: The Journey **

**P O V: Amanda Rollins**

**St. Jude's Children Research Hospital **

**362 Danny Thomas Place Memphis, Tennessee**

"You have every right to be angry, Amanda, to be scared, it's only natural to want to scream out why, to cry a river of tears, whatever it is that you are feeling, you have that right. Just know I am here for you." Presley bumps her fist against mine. I'm lying on my side on the exam table on my right side, an ice pack on my sore left hip after my latest bone marrow aspiration.

"I know I should be angry. Pres, I know I should be scared or even sad" Closing my eyes, I take a few deep breaths. "Right now, though, all I can feel is numb."

"I've been down this road, Amanda I get it no matter how many times we hear those words you have cancer. It never makes it easier you always have that heart-pounding mind-numbing paralyzing feeling."

'The numbness will fade Amanda soon. You'll feel a shit-storm of emotions, but you won't ever be alone, sweetie." Yawing, I nod grimacing from pain as she places a wet cloth on my face. "Amanda?" shifting, I look up as Dr. Callisto walks inside the exam room, "Hey, Dr. Callisto." "I won't ask how you are feeling, Amanda; I know the answer is pretty crappy."

"Uh, that would be an understatement the truth is I ache all over, my head is pounding, my stomach is turning, my back hurts, I'm dizzy and nauseated."

"Will keep you overnight as we wait for the results Amanda right now you're running a fever, so we need to get that down, will give you some transfusions your ANC is down along with your red blood cells, you're at high risk for infection."

I'm too tired to argue, so I simply nod, squeezing Presley's hand as I feel someone cover me with a blanket my eyelids grow very heavy as my body shivers. "So cold." "That's the fever Amanda will get it down I promise you'll feel better soon."

Time passes by in a blur of movement hands lift me to a stretcher which rolls down colorful halls, sounds of children laughing fill my senses, beeping, overhead speakers paging doctors and nurses. Worried families on cell phones comforting each other, conversations fade into one another elevators dinging till I hear and see nothing.

Needles being inserted into my veins tubes filling with my blood, passing fluids into my body. IV's hang, I'm attached to monitors, an oxygen tube is placed under my nose, voices having conversations about me drift in and out of my conscious state. "Leukopenia." "Numbers dropped. She's crashing, low platelet counts, anemic." I sleep Presley again, squeezes my hand lying beside me, holding me.

Loud beeping and moonlight fill the room as my eyes pry open again someone is checking my monitors "Well good evening sleeping beauty, my name is Miranda Wilson I am your nurse for the next seven hours, Dr. Callisto is on her way to talk to you. How are you feeling?" I can only groan for an answer, which she smiles. "Good news is your fever is slightly down will keep giving you aspirin a non steroidal anti-inflammatory drug." Dr. Callisto enters as Miranda finishes talking, "Hey, honey."

"Good evening Dr. Callisto so what's the verdict?"

Presley wraps her arms around my shoulders, sitting next to me as Dr. Callisto comes in closing the door. I can see it in her eyes my body starts to shut down, I've known her half my life I know how she operates how she functions when she's telling a patient, good news how different her reactions are when it's terrible.

"Amanda, I won't sugar coat it, sweetie." I feel Presley inhale sharply, squeezing my shoulder. I lay my head down on her shoulder, feeling myself fading to a place of numbness I'll never be ready to hear these words, not again. I want to go away to a site far away from where there is no pain, no fear; the Elysian fields sound perfect endless beauty and harmony. No one hurts no one cries; it's just perfection and bliss.

I can't imagine what would happen ever to wreck that peacefulness just me running through fields with my friends who have already found their peace we're dancing to the latest beats laughing hands in the air swinging our hips bumping them together. It's a party under heaven's light. We don't stop even as the stars fill the sky. We're singing the lyrics to our own songs.

"Dr. Sharpe was correct Amanda you are out of remission the leukemia is spreading fast we found over 95% blasts in your marrow, they're pushing out your healthy cells you know how this works Amanda, you are very sick we found blasts in your spinal cord, brain, spleen, chest."

"So it's official I am dying?"

"Amanda, now you've known me since you were thirteen years old. I was the one who held your hand when you were first diagnosed when your parents couldn't be bothered to come down with their little girl. I was with you through every infection, set back, transplant, treatment, checkup, remission, and relapse. Have I ever giving up on you?"

I look into her eyes, the vision of those fields fading instead now I see hope blazing on fires of motivation and hate. She hates cancer the way a firefighter hates fire or a cop hates child molesters she lives to destroy cancer, and it's power hold. "No, never not once even after I turned 18." "that's right and I won't Amanda, no matter how old you are I will always treat you because I know your disease, I know your history, and I know how determined you are to live, your song has not yet been sung, the lyrics are still be written."

"Are you ready to say goodbye? To never sing another note again?"

"No."

"Than I'm not done writing the chorus, never forget how much you are loved here."

"I don't get it, though. It's a children's hospital."

"Yes, but some cancers such as leukemia are best dealt with by a pediatric specialist, some adults feel more comfortable with doctors who have a history with them. It's not unusual for us here to treat adults who were former patients."

"I won't hold back, Amanda; this is very serious. Only around 25 to 35 percent of adults with leukemia live for **five years or longer after diagnosis**." "Those are for first time diagnosed patients for patients like yourself who have relapsed after a third transplant for a fifth time total the statics drop even lower."

"So, I need someone who knows what their up against like you?"

"You got it girlfriend, and I am here to offer you some hope. I don't think you are going to die, Amanda, I won't let you, I am not ready to say goodbye yet babe. While I don't think chemo alone will help and you don't qualify for any clinical trials based on how rapidly advanced your disease has progressed. There is one option left since traditional bone marrow transplants have failed. I want to try an **autologous stem cell** transplantation."

"Of course, your best shot would be a sibling see if Kim would be willing to be tested now that she's an adult and doesn't need your mama's permission."

"She's in jail I don't know if she could she's been addicted to drugs, prostituting herself."

"I'm sorry to hear that Amanda she was a sweet kid, but we would test her; of course, we wouldn't use her if there was any indication that she was carrying anything harmful to you. She is your best chance though Amanda, of course, will put you on the registry."

"It took months last time, though, to find a match I don't have months this time, do I?"

"No, Amanda, I am afraid not, but we can organize a bone marrow drive see if we can get local cops to help a fellow officer, maybe see if your captain can do one in NYC."

"She doesn't even know I am sick. I quit my job to come down here."

"I suggest opening up to her Amanda you'll need all the support you can get sweetie, you remember how rough it was each time in the past."

"Yeah, I was sick for months with every damn symptom possible,, hair loss, muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, bleeding. isolated away from everyone for my protection. Damaged lungs, headaches the cure is worse than the disease. I was scared, alone, hurting."

"Yes, it was awful to see Amanda, but that doesn't have to be the case this time; you have a team cops watch each other's backs. Talk to them. They'll be here. Don't be afraid or ashamed. Talking and sharing is not weakness; it takes real strength to be open and honest."

Ailsin slips into the room as Dr. Callisto starts talking again "What you need to decide Amanda is if you want to go ahead with this transplant or if you want to stop treatment and go home to spend your final days or weeks with your family and friends. I will need an answer by Monday, Amanda, if we have a real shot at beating this relapse."

No words need to be exchanged between Aislin and me after our doctor leaves, only someone who's been down this road will ever understand cancer's emotional journey. Presley and Aislin both take my hands as Dr. Callisto goes squeezing my shoulder.

Both ladies climb into bed with me holding me. I close my eyes, my chest shaking. I feel so desperate to hear some jokes. Some laughter, I can't take this pain and fear anymore. "Okay, I got one for you, Rollins, and yes, I am a goddamn prophet reading your mind. Listen to this joke, so I went to the doctors, and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign any star sign" So I said, "Aquarius" And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."

All three of us start to laugh. My chest starts to lighten up, "No, wifey, I got a better one to be prepared to be blown away." "Oh, yeah, you want to sleep on the couch tonight?"

Presley shrugs, "The couch in the living room which has the 56 inch TV full Entertainment center with soaring ceilings, two stone fireplaces, rustic furniture, wide-plank flooring, and killer chandelier. Next to the huge bathroom with exposed wooden beams on the high ceiling and pebble-finished flooring with the vintage style window to one side and lampshade wall sconces. Carrara marble walls in the shower enclosure, which features a telephone shower and rain-shower. Marble counter-tops which features oval pedestal sinks with taps mounted onto the mirror wall? That couch?"

Aislin grunts swatting at her knowing she can't threaten her when she owns a beautiful 17,377 Sq Ft mansion on 93.3 archers with l 5 bedrooms and eleven bathrooms. There isn't a wrong place to sleep in the whole damn place. "Okay, tell the joke." Aislin rolls her eyes "What's the difference between cancer and the Nazi's?"

"Too easy damn this ain't child's play cancer don't discriminate."

"Okay, let's get nasty now Amanda as a sex detective you'd love this one." "Oh. Shit now, I am scared, Aislin."

"Good girl, you should be, you know I am the queen of jokes, and I never give up my throne. So here it is this beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor's office, and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities," she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra; she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

"Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

For hours we go back and forth, telling jokes laughing till I nearly piss myself tears roll down our faces as we hold each other remembering the jokes we use to tell around the campfire at night with our friends. "Do you remember the joke that use to get Josiah laughing like a hyena each time?"

"Oh yeah, what do dark jokes and kids with cancer have in common?"

"They never grow old."

I look back on my past with the sweetest of smiles remembering sweet Josiah Davis forever fifteen. Closing my eyes, I wonder if I will be seeing him again sooner than excepted or if my guardian angels will send me a miracle. Maybe they'll even send me my angel Olivia.


	9. Chapter 9 Homegrown

**Chapter 9: Homegrown**

**P O V: Olivia Benson **

"Sweat-tea, hot damn ain't no one ever make it as sweet as Mrs. Honeycombs."

Kim smacks her lips as she bats her eyelashes at the owner and waitress severing us. I presume to be, Mrs. honeycombs "aw, well shucks thank you, Miss. Kimberly, it sure is mighty good to have you back home. Where have you been honey child?" "Oh, here and there, Ma'am seein' the big ol' world ya know."

I can see it in Alex's face the awe at how easy it is for Kim to lie without even batting an eyelash "Mama, this Mac, and cheese is so creamy. I have never tasted anything as amazing as this, why can't you learn to cook like this?" Alex's amusement at Noah's statement only furthers my embarrassment "go ahead, laugh away, Alex; you'll blow your nose out from snorting so hard."

"Mr. Noah." Kim slaps his hand lightly. "Mind your manners, sweet child ain't no one ever tell you to honor thy mother; mamas are number one you ain't never gonna find another who's cooking measure's up to your mama's."

"Well ain't no one ever tasted my Mama's cooking cuz it is straight sinful. Lord forgive me, but Mama always said son tell the truth."

Sip your coffee Liv, sip your coffee. He's only a child. he's laughing his eyes are delighted in his own jokes, isn't that more powerful than any embarrassment? "So Kim, did you and Amanda come here often as kids?" Before Kim can answer Alex's question, Mrs. Honey combs flip's her hand, refilling our coffee mugs "sure did sweet Lil' thangs these two nearly ate me outta house and home why I was right ready to ring their deadbeat parent's necks these two were tiny little grains of sugar wafers. That sweet Lil Amanda though she could sure talk her way outta a bag blindfolded."

"Now look at us, Mrs. Honeycombs we fixin to grow up real nice."

"Yes, darlin' you sure did, especially that sister of yours an NYC cop ain't no one done made this town prouder than Miss Amanda."

I see the spark go out of Kim's eyes slightly as she settles back into her chair. I feel my heart squeeze in sympathy being compared to an older sister all the time must chip away at a person's soul little by little each day until one day, there's nothing left of the person you use to be. "Well, we should probably be getting going."

The old dirt road stretches for miles as my rented SUV grinds and groans chugging along the dirt and graveled road. The older farmhouse comes into view as we pass grazing cows, pigs, wandering chickens, galloping horses. Beautiful peach trees line the property dogs bark as we park, and Kim gets out.

My heart squeezes as I see and hear a familiar bark and four paws racing up to me, "Frannie Mae!" So Kim is right, Amanda is here. Why can't I suddenly speak? Think? I've lost the ability to do either. "Kimberly! A man yells as he comes out of the house he's older distinguished fifties his grayish hair is slicked back "Uncle Pascal!" Kim races towards him if I conjure my thoughts hard enough I can see young versions of Kim and Amanda racing up the driveway lunch bags in their tiny hands, excited to see their uncle.

From the corner of my eye, I can see another woman watching us she's much older sitting on her porch is that a shotgun in her hands? A scowl is on her face as she sips lemonade must be too tart for her taste buds. "Kimberly, how sweet to see you, who is this beautiful young lady with you?" I feel myself blush as I head closer to him. "Olivia Benson, sir, ' lovely to meet you."

"The famous Olivia Benson I have heard about since Amanda was seventeen? How lovely to meet you, dear, come on in for some sweet tea and scones."

"Carrie, Brent pour some sweet tea my loves, we have company Amanda's captain is here." Two young people come out one a man in his late thirties and a woman slightly older. "No offense Ma'am but why are you here? Amanda gave her notice."

"Oh, are you here to break Amanda's heart again? Cool, can I get a front-row seat please?" Two different reactions the woman leaves me on edge why is she so negative towards Amanda? The man's question causes the lump to grow in my throat. "She didn't. She left a letter, but she didn't fill out the proper paperwork."

Paperwork, am I kidding myself? What the hell my face heats up even I am in disbelief at how stupid I sound. She confessed her deepest feelings to me, spilled all her fears, past hurts my response to her family? She didn't give me the proper paperwork. Seriously Olivia! Just shoot me dead already, Lord.

Boom

My instinct is to drop reaching for my gun at the sound of a gunshot even as I hear the family laughing. "Nana is late again!" Kim's crackle has me looking up as I spot the older woman on the porch shooting out in all directions, yelling out something. "Nana? Did you call that crazy old lady Nana?"

"Yup that's my mom's mom she's 95 years old blind as a bat, she couldn't hit the side of a barn, but uncle Paschal replaced all her bullets with salt pelts as a precaution just in case. She hates us all, so anytime she thinks we're here, she tries to shoot us."

Glancing around the living room, I see lots of pictures of kids hanging on the walls, mantels, some are the kids in sports, some are professional, some school pictures, and candid's of the kids in fields, on the porches. "My kids Carrie, Brent, and Wade and my sister's girls miss Kimberly and Amanda."

"They were close cousins?"

"Very close best friends pigs in the mud happy as the sun."

"That's awesome. I always wanted siblings or cousins. Never had any growing up."

"That's might sad Miss Olivia; I always encouraged the kids to be close even if BethAnne and I weren't."

"Is Amanda here?"

"Not anymore, Ma'am, she was here, she left yesterday."

"Where did she go? Her mom's place?"

"Heavens no, she hates that old prude. She went down to Memphis."

Memphis? Why would she be in Memphis? I'm at a loss for words, why would she be down there? I nearly jump at Beth Anne's voice from behind me. "Old Prude, is that how you teach your children to talk about their only aunt, dear brother?" Carrie sweetly responds to her Aunt's question.

"No, I learned that from my dear sweet cousin Amanda who to answer the burning question, went to Memphis to stay with her lover Presley. Rumor has it they were caught kissing yesterday at the park. Getting physical under the stars. I assume they went back to her home for my privacy they never could keep their hands off each other"

I feel sick, could I already be too late?


	10. Chapter 10 Country Song

**Chapter 10 Country Song**

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

"Mama, what did that lady mean when she said Aunt Amanda was kissing Presley? In her letter, she said she was in love with you. Why would she kiss another lady?"

The water ripples as Noah skips stones while Alex, and I sit on the bank of the river so many confusion thoughts rush through my brain. Was it a waste to come here? Did Amanda give up on me that easy? Am I that easy to get over, how important can I be if she couldn't even wait a few days? Alex's arm is across my shoulders; she's silent as we sit, letting me process the news.

How worthless am I?

Am I too needy? Too closed off? Too hard to read? Do I put off some aura of self-importance that turns away people? Maybe my dedication to work pushes people away. Do I give too much of my time to the victims? Should I apologize for that? Their voices matter to me their fears, their pain getting justice for them matters, does it matter too much though? Have I lost perspective?

Amanda gets that she's as dedicated as I am. Or at least she was what could have happened to her? How could she just leave?

How long has she been seeing this Presley woman? Was she always around waiting around for the right opportunity to take Amanda away? Did Amanda simply give up on me because I took so long and call her to help mend her broken heart? Was it just a matter of timing?

Why couldn't I pick up the phone earlier? Why am I so damaged? Or is it her that's damaged? Can she possibly view sex as something to take lightly? She's an SVU detective. She knows the risks, doesn't she? Maybe I should have dived into her personal life more got to know who she was dating or sleeping with, made her see she is worth waiting for the right person. That giving her body to some stranger isn't the answer.

Presley, whoever she is to her, isn't a stranger though, according to Carrie, she's an ex-girlfriend. So she must matter to Amanda, she must have a place in her heart for her. How close in her heart? Does she care about her more than me? Did I hurt Amanda so bad she turned to her ex-girlfriend to heal the pain?

"Olivia. I know that whatever I say isn't going to stop the racing thoughts inside your brain right now. Still, I wouldn't be much of a friend if I didn't t least try."

"I don't know what to believe in Alex anymore."

"You are in a tough situation, Olivia. You're between a rock and a hard place; I'm so sorry you have to face this kind of problem right now. I could be wrong, but it seems to me like you care for Amanda. Right now, as hurt and scared as she take it from me as a woman who came out late in life as a Lesbian, all she needs is love and acceptance even if you can't give her your requited love. Give her your friendship, acceptance."

"You are a fool Captain if you believe my daughter turned to that hussy Presley when she's clearly in love with you." Standing up, we turn to face Beth Anne and Kim. "Why do you care last time I saw you, Beth Anne? You slapped Amanda in a court of law and told her she was dead to you, and the only daughter you claimed was Kim."

"Family's complicated Olivia, don't judge. Mom and sissy have always had a strained relationship. Love is love, though."

"So you think your niece is lying, Beth Anne?"

"Oh, I know the little bitch is don't get me wrong I do think she took off with Presley probably to Memphis. Just not in the way Carrie wanted you to believe. Presley has been her best friend since she was thirteen, and Amanda crossed that friendship to lovers line a few times with the little hussy. However, she's married now."

"Amanda is a lot of things, but she is not the other woman type of gal, ever. She once slapped a boy so hard when she was in high school for cheating on his girlfriend with her; the poor boy needed braces for years afterward."

My heart squeezes as I brush myself off, "So Presley's married?" "Yes, Ma'am has been for five years now, plus she and her wife Aisling have an adorable five-year-old boy. They sometimes bring him to play with Manson. I can't stand Presley at all. I could slap the little smart-mouthed, golden slut she's the whole reason Amanda is what she is, but her wife Aisling is a real peach tree."

"You want to get Amanda back, Liv; you better be prepared to do some explaining and accepting."

"Mama maybe you should start doing some of that yourself, you seem to think Presley turned Amanda gay or something, she didn't Amanda is who she is and she would have come out no matter what Presley just gave her the courage to do it sooner."

"You hush now Kimberly, you ain't Amanda's parent, you be a mother to that little boy that you haven't seen since your sorry butt got locked up and you let me be Amanda's mother. Both of you follow me will go get that child,"

"She's 39 mom. She ain't a child."

"She's always going to be my child 39, 55, 70 a mother is a mother for all time."

Noah's hand squeeze's in mine as we walk up the dirt road. His eyes dart all around, reminding me this is the first time he's seen the country in his whole life. I should get him out of the city more, pulling him close I quicken my paces to keep up to Beth Anne's.

**Memphis, Tennessee Four hours later**

"Since Presley and Aisling live in a high-security area, we won't get in without Clarence Mama. Let's head to Aisling's restaurant; it might be our best bet; I'm sure we won't get anywhere at her studio."

"You might be right, child, lead the way."

"Restaurant? Studio? What does Aisling do for a living? How can she afford to own both?"

Kim leads us down the sidewalk of an alive Memphis where on every corner, a street performer is crooning love songs and heartbreak. The city of lights memorizes Noah with it's dancing feet. I'm starting to think taking him here was a mistake; his smile is enormous; his hands are clapping as he stomps his feet. Alex and I have to keep pushing him to keep up with us. Even his growling stomach does little to motivate him.

So for a while, we stop and watch there's a young boy in the middle of the street performing his heart out he's wearing jeans, a black t-shirt that has a golden star in the middle of it, a gold cowboy hat despite his flashy outfit though it's his voice and his moves that are spell-bound

ing.

_**I'm a fire starter, make your blood run faster**__**  
**__**I melt hearts like water**__**  
**__**Yeah yeah oh oh yeah yeah oh oh yeah yeah**__**  
**__**I'm a fire starter; I'm a sweet disaster**__**  
**__**I melt hearts like water**__**  
**__**Yeah yeah oh oh yeah yeah oh oh yeah**_

"Mama, that boy is amazing how do you learn to sing like that?"

'Honey, he ain't singing that song." Noah looks at Kim strangely, "Is he lip-singing?" "No, dear." "So if he isn't singing that song and he isn't lip-syncing? How is that song coming out of his mouth?" Noah's confused expression has me smiling.

"Baby, that boy ain't singing that song, he sa~~ng that song, boy he tore it up."

Noah laughs, finally getting it "How do I learn to sing like that?" "Boy ain't no one ever taught you Nuthin'bout soul?" "What's soul, mama?" "Oh, I'm going to let Kim tell you sweet-pea." the cop in me is looking around at the very crowded streets looking for pickpockets or any signs of criminal activity somehow, I don't trust this boy's performance is purely innocent. I can't help it as much as I want to be in the moment it's drilled into me.

"Boy, you don't learn to sing like him, you are born with that talent sure you can take lessons for structure and technique, but real talent is born and bred into you."

"How do you know if you have that talent, Kim? I've been taking dance lessons for months, and I love it. I am trying hard, but everyone is always talking about that It factor, all my friends in dance are going to auditions, but I don't know if I have it. My friend Dustin keeps telling me that the more I know how to do the better my chances are, he sings, he plays guitar he's teaching me how to play, but I want to wow an audience as this boy does. He hardly looks older than I am."

"That's a great question, sweetie one. I think Aisling would be perfect for answering." "Why, Kim?" My eyes scan the crowd again just as they land on a wandering hand into an older woman's purse who is watching the young kid.

My feet take off before my brain can register. This isn't my city, my jurisdiction. "Stop Police!" The man's fingers grip the wallet as he starts to take off "Police!" I yell once more, my feet pounding the hard concrete as I push my way through the crowd. "Stop, Police." "Out of my way, excuse me, police." "Move now." Some days I don't know how I manage to keep chasing these bad guys when every muscle hurts so badly. I do it through every heartbeat increases my motivation to catch him.

The older woman has no idea she was just robbed. She's clapping and dancing to this young boy. She's in for a heartbreaking surprise. When she looks for her purse, how can anyone steal from the elderly? It's disgusting to me. They've worked hard their whole lives to be able to save up for retirement to spoil their grand-kids. Sometimes I get sad thinking about the fact Noah won't ever get that love or attention since my parents are both dead.

Without knowing this city, I am at a disadvantage; however, I am quick on my feet and with my eyes. I am spotting a metal garbage can holder up ahead, which I quickly use to launch myself off catching hold of the metal pole, which is part of the structure of the stairwell leading up to apartments above a pizza place.

The suspect is caught in a crowd, unaware of where I am, making it easy to land right on his back, flattening him. "Your under arrest for larceny." reaching for my cuffs, it dawns on me. I don't have them once again, reminding myself this isn't my city." Looking for this, Ma'am?" A young man comes over his shield on his hip dangling cuffs in his hand "Yes Sir; they would be what I need." "Thank you, Ma'am, that was bad-ass I am Chief Daniels with the Memphis Police, you got to him sooner than I could. We've been watching this son and dad duo all week; they've been striking all week."

"Happy to help Sir' I am Captain Olivia Benson NYPD SVU."

"NYPD, an honor Ma'am, let me get this creep to a patrol car, and would you mind if I buy you a thank you drink? Purely platonic. I assure you as I am happily married for ten years with two kids. That woman he robbed is my grandmother."

"Well, I am delighted to have helped, and yes, a drink sounds lovely. I'll meet you inside of uh..."

"Memphis Legends Music Cafe has the best food and live entertainment on Beale Street."

"Sounds just like what I need. See ya' there."

The walk back seems longer, more painful sweat drips down my back as I stretch my aching muscles music is all around me, giving me the pulse of life to keep going one step one foot at a time. The thought of Amanda, being in one of these bars getting drunk over me, fills me with more determination to find her.

"Superwoman's back." Kim's voice causes me to smile; her tone is tight teasing. I can picture her and Amanda teasing each other as teens. There's a lightness to Kim now I see that has Amanda always coming to her rescue. "Sorry, I guess I never stop being a cop." "No worries, Liv, you can't take the cop-out of you any more than you can take the country out of a country girl. Now Let's get some grub."

"I got a recommendation from a fellow cop Memphis Legends Music Cafe."

"He has an amazing taste that's Aisling's restaurant."

"Let's do it then."

The cafe's packed with people standing at the bar holding drinks listening to the bands performing. We wait for eyes scanning for empty tables. "Liv?" I smile wider as I see Chief Daniels come up with the young boy squirming in his grip. "Sorry for the delay we're waiting on a patrol car to come to pick up this little guy and bring him back to St. Jude's Children Hospital. It turns out he is a patient there since his dad will be in jail for a while with this outstanding warrants for previous crimes, the hospital has agreed to take him in till placement can be found."

"No problem. It looks like we will be waiting for a table anyway."

Kim squeezes to the bar. I assume to order drinks, "What's your name, young man?" The kid's arms are crossed as he breaths out heavily. "My name is back off, lady." My eyebrow arches to Beth Anne, who smirks, "We have a mini Amanda, I see, she was always full of sass as a kid."

"Are you hungry backoff, lady?"

No verbal answers just huffing mixed with excessive eye-rolling. "So do you enjoy singing, or did your dad make you? Cause you are amazing, bro. I wish I could sing like that. Maybe I would have a better chance at auditions."

Noah's excitement seems to be contagious because the young boy smiles his face lighting up "no, my dad hates when I sing. He says it's for sissies, but he likes the crowd it draws. I love singing; it's how I express myself; it's when I feel the most alive. Having Cancer sucks. It's lonely and painful, but when I sing, I can forget my troubles and just enter a whole new world. I want to be a country singer so bad."

"I've never tried singing for real would you teach me? I can teach you some new dance moves to help you out; I saw you struggling with some moves. I am a dancer."

"That would be chicken wings smothered in hot sauce awesome." Both boys slap hands, laughing, "Mama, can we go to the stage?" "I'll have an officer keep an eye on them, Liv." Chief Daniels nods to me as he radios for an officer. "Sure, babe, stay where I can see you though it's crowded here." "Chill, Mom, we're not stupid. We know not to go off with strangers, parents, am I right, bro?"

"for sure." both boys laugh as they head to the stage elbowing their way through the packed bodies. Just as Kim comes back with a server, which leads us to the table. "how did you get someone so quickly?" "I called Aisling, she's on her way down, and she told them to serve us on the house."

"Wait, you know the owner?" Chief Daniels seems impressed, which makes me wonder all the more who this Aisling chick is and why everyone is in awe of her. "Yea, she's best friends with my sister Amanda."

"Wow very cool all my friends and I always had the biggest crushes on her when we were younger, she was like a goddess straight out of our wet dreams. I've tried meeting her several times since becoming Chief down here. Some of my officers have met her and say she's lovely, but she's always out when I come with my kids."

"Yeah, I've known her since I was eleven. She's a sweetheart."

"So, will someone tell me about her?" "Yeah, sorry Liv, so Aisling and her twin sister Keavy O'Connor became famous in 1988 when they stared on a show on the Disney Channel which launched their careers as pop stars. They're the daughters of actor/ producer Collin O'Connor and Legendary actress/singer Actress Moira Callie Rose."

"Wait, you mean the Hollywood Legend who broke barriers for women in Hollywood who started the "StandForTheSilent against the sexual harassment and abuse in the Entertainment industry? The same woman who was found dead by mysterious circumstances the day after she blew the whistle on two of the biggest Producers and Studio owners of the eighties?"

"Yes ma'am, that very same one, she was killed when the twins were only seven."

"Their dad never really recovered from the loss of his wife, he was distant, and aloof verbally abusive traveled most of the time, so music and acting became their soul. When they were ten, they got their big break; they became a household name to anyone with kids or teens. As they grew, so did their careers expanding to everything in the industry dance, music, acting, clothing, writing, and producing."

"Asling owns studios in LA, and here plus this restaurant where she holds auditions and competitions for future country songs. She has her tenth studio album in the works."

I notice she hasn't mentioned Keavy, but I don't push her because the waiter comes to take our orders, and I am starving. "Did she say if Amanda is here?" "No, but she wouldn't not till she saw us in person and sized us up she's very protective and let's face it Amanda's relationship with all of us is strained. I'm sure she is here though."

"How did they meet?"

Neither lady would answer me instead of turning to the stage pointing my lips twitch in anticipation of questing them it's what I do best, but the questions die on my lips when I see my son on stage with a guitar in his hands standing next to back off lady kid who is on the keyboard.

**How could I see you when I was so blind****  
****How could I grasp you when I was far behind****  
****How could I hear you when I was so deaf****  
****How could I get up when I had been left******

**But You said, don't worry****  
****For I've healed the blind man****  
****And I've set the captives free****  
****And You said, don't worry****  
****For all you've gotta do****  
****Is put your trust in me**

"Wow, both boys sounds awesome!" "Yeah, Kim, they really do. I love the twist they put on that song; somehow, they made it country."

The joy on Noah's face makes me smile; he seems peacefully relaxed, almost like he has grown up on stage. The way he works that guitar and controls his voice. Tears are brought to my eyes, seeing him so happy.

"Kim? Beth Anne?" the magical linger of an Irish accent catches my ears. I turn to see one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen in my life, standing before me. It's as if she's stepped out from the pages of a magazine. Long flowing curly blond hair to her mid-neck gorgeous green eyes, which seem ablaze with a million emotions. Her skin must be the wealthiest shades of Ivy to ever come across the Irish sea. It's so soft so creamy I want to make a milkshake out of it.

"Aisling lovely to see you, dear, how are you? how's your son?" "He's well, thank you as am I what brings you here to Memphis?" She doesn't sit down or shake their hands. I notice her eyes are almost cold towards them while she's polite. She's not overly talkative "Aisy; this is Olivia Benson, Amanda's captain and friend from NYC."

Her eyebrow raises, "Captain Benson, it's a pleasure to meet you, Ma'am. What brings you to my fair city?" "I'm searching for Amanda she and I left on terms I am not quite happy with have you seen her? I would love the chance to talk to her to listen to her. I need to say a few things. She left in such a hurry; I hadn't been giving enough time to process all that she trusted me with."

"Well, you are right. Manda trusted you with her most personal and deepest feelings if I tell you where she is I need assurance you aren't here to break her heart or her spirit. Because so help me god, if you are Ma'am, you will be taking me to jail tonight."

To show her I mean every word I say I stand to meet her face to face holding out my hand "I swear on my son's life I am here to talk to Amanda, not hurt her in any way. So do you know where she is?"

Aisling seems to debate if she should say anything biting her lip, flipping back her hair. "Yes, I do she's at St. Jude's Hospital."

"Hospital? Why would she be at a hospital?"

"Amanda has Acute Myelogenous Leukemia; this is her fifth relapse. She's very sick. She's in isolation right now. So you won't be able to see her, but I can take you to the hospital Kim, Beth, you may get to go into the room since you are related. I have to warn you all though this morning she slipped into a coma. So if you want to talk to her, you're too late."

A/N: Lyrics belong to Katy Perry and Demi Lovato.


	11. Chapter 11 No Day But Today

**Chapter 11: No Day But Today**

**P O V: Amanda Rollins**

**(A/N: Don't hate me please I promise happy days are coming sometime soonish. This Chapter is about to get dark, but soon my dears Rolivia will happen. I hope this chapter is good enough; it's late. I am beaten, been working on this story all day for my loyal readers. Wasn't going to post this till tomorrow but since I seem to have upset a few readers in the last chapter I thought I'd give them a little something positive. Lyrics to North Star belong to General Hospital. Greek Lyrics belong to those who own the rights to Xena )**

Time seems to melt into a blend of fevers, medicines, and sleep no matter how hard I try to stay awake; I can't seem to manage more than five minutes of consciousnesses. Voices carry through in broken fragments.

"Fever is 103.3."

"Respiration is dropping steadily. Amanda's on a scary roller-coaster right now. The scans show she has parainfluenza 3. We want to do a scope to see how far the virus has spread."

"Amanda honey, can you hear Dr. Callisto?" I can barely moan. My head is pounding; my throat is nearly closing. I feel as if I am on fire. My eyes feel frozen. I can't open them wide enough to see her. However, I can feel Presley next to me, hear her heart pounding in fear we've been down this road before she knows how serious it is, she knows my wishes. It's why I made her my legal guardian for any medical decisions in case I can't make my own.

It's a ton of pressure to be responsible for someone's life to hold the power of life and death in your hands. I can't answer her, so I squeeze her hand, fearful about what is happening. I can't fully comprehend everything when I only hear bits and pieces of conversations.

"Dr. Callisto do what you think is right; I trust you, so does Amanda." I can feel Presley next to me in bed. There's a level of comfort and trust that we have one I haven't ever shared with anyone except her. We've known each other for years we've been best friends and lovers, sisters. She knows every inch of my body as I do hers, we've shared secrets and fears, dreams, and depressing lows. Some days I am shocked Aisling even trusts me around her.

Presley's always been my weakness even when we weren't dating. If we were sad or scared, we would fall into each other's arms. She never cheated on Aisling, but if I were Aisling, I sure as hell wouldn't trust us together. It's a true testament to how amazing Aisling is.

"Amanda, sweetie, stay strong. I'm here honey, fight with every breath of your life; life is worth the fight. It's beautiful. Just like you." her lips graze my forehead.

"We're Taking her to Surgery Presley, Amanda you'll feel a little pinch than you'll be asleep. When you wake up, you'll be in isolation. No one can visit while you're in isolation except Presley and Aisling."

"Fungal infection fever's rising."

"Pneumonia..be prepared...she could die...she's in too much pain to have a fair shot..we need to sedate her...

"Lung biopsy revealed it's aspergills the worst type of fungal infection..chances of survival are dismal."

"We got all lumps on the right lung..couldn't get it all on the left...starting her on amphotericin we need to watch her kidney damage her ANC numbers are up to 1600."

"She's been vomiting steadily, keeping her NPO feeding her through TPN for the time being. "Cather is clogged, Heart Rate's dropping we need to move fast. Total Isolation... only you inside Presley, and you must fully gown and sterilize."

"I know the drill, Dr. Callisto."

"She's going downhill."

"Unresponsive to meds."

"She's not improving as we had hoped antibiotics are not working; it may not be just pneumonia. We're testing her for Coronavirus or COVID-19. "

I can hear the pain and fear in Presley's voice each day I don't know how many days pass or what is happening. I can't see anything; it's all black. I don't know if I am in a very long sleep. I know I am not awake, yet it's strange. I can hear everything; I can feel when people touch me. I can still tell the difference between when Presley is sad, hopeful, scared shit-less. I know the changes in her voice from the strained tears, to the laughter.

I swear at one point I can hear my mom, but why? How would she even know? Why would she care? Last time I saw her, she slapped me and told me I was dead to her, so why do her eyes seem like they are misty? Why is her voice strained from crying? When she talks to me. "Remain calm, my girl… everything is going to be okay, I promise. I've never left your side after all these years. You've grown into a fine young responsible woman. I love you."

My mom has never said she loved me like ever. So am I dreaming? Is this what dying does to someone? Did the reality of losing me make her realize her mistakes? No, it's not my mom; it's some hideous creature I can see it clearly now. The damn thing has no eyes just two white glowing orbs inside its head; the body is all black is she wearing ace bandages? She looks like one of those creatures that the Egyptians use to bury their dead in.

She's not real! She doesn't speak; it's just my mind, right? So run Amanda just run. I start to run, but every time I only get a few paces out of the room. Into the night sky, and I am stopped by the sheer beauty of the most breathtaking sky I have ever seen. Stars burn brightly so brightly; my eyes feel as if they are burned out of my body.

Sometimes I hear and feel nothing I am not scared, though. I don't feel pain or fear. Time went by so slowly; I felt every second of it. I don't know how much of it passes. I just know it passes; other times, it's different. I can't think I just feel. It's a terrifying experience of my life. I feel helpless; everything is out of my control; I feel trapped. My throat hurts so bad. I don't know why. It feels like a hive of bees, and skunks took up residence there. I can't take a deep breath in this place either. For some reason, my breathing is all goofy. Probably air quality is horrific.

Sometimes I see flashes of light. It's beautiful. I feel as if it's trying to deliver me a message, but I don't know what. Is Jesus signaling to me, it's my time? Am I waiting on the boat to take me to the Elysian Fields? Am I going there? Or Does Hades have my name on his list?

I could feel Aisling and Presley bathing me, I can't move or open my eyes, I just can't do anything, yet Aisling is gentle she sings to me! **In another language. **

**Abu eh.. abu eh id ma **

**Stria arlia ajam **  
**Toddo no rabam **  
**Naim na em na **  
**Em do... **  
**  
Abu eh... abu eh id ma **  
**Stria arlia ajam **  
**Toddo no rabam **  
**Naim na em na **  
**Travial em donia **  
**Ravel a da **  
**  
Em de et jadde **  
**Nam nah em...**

The best dream is of Olivia I'm outside somewhere I don't know where we are. All I know is once again; beautiful stars are burning above our heads. "Will you do me the honor of this dance?"

_Olivia holds her hands out to me as I turn slowly, trying to figure out where we are why we are here. "Love, Amanda, that's why we are here under the Parisian starlight. Love has brought us here. Love has many paths. It doesn't always happen when we want it to; it takes its time. I know you dreamed of this forever; for me, this is new, but it doesn't make it any less true. It's real, Amanda, not a dream. I love you, Amanda Sienna Rollins. So will you please do me the honor of this dance?" _

"_There's no music Liv." _

"_Who needs music, Amanda? We can make our own music listen to our heartbeats, close your eyes, listen to the sounds around you, the light patter of rain, stars twinkling, the river below us, traffic above us, birds chirping." _

_Settling into her arms, I rest my head on her shoulder, stealing a kiss from her perfect lips under the North Star. She's right I have dreamed of this moment for years now it's happened it seems surreal. Timeless like a fairy-tale. _

_God has a plan for everything that happened to us over the years, so was this always his plan? Was he testing me? "Will always have Paris." Tucker's words to Liv now her words to me history repeating itself or reinventing itself. Her hands are around my neck my face turned to her left our lips our lips move softly in-sync, we can't stop kissing we keep eye contact I'll remember this classic look of bliss in her eyes forever. _

_Even when we break apart from kissing we never stop touching each other or dancing, it's incredible how perfect she is, how she moves, I never knew she is such a fantastic dancer. Well, why would I, though? We barely got along for most of these last ten years; I grew up dancing along the side of the road in wheat fields chasing butterflies. She's right. I never had music in those fields I made my own to the sounds of the wind, laughter from my sister, rumbling of trucks. Barking dogs, my hand slapping my leg or my voice as I would have sung to myself. _

_Now I hear the sound of our lips sucking and smacking it's not romantic, but it's warm, it's sweet, like American Honey on Apple Pie fresh out of the oven in Nana's kitchen. Nothing is more delicious or purer than a Grandma's love and her soul food. Liv is my home, my heart, my American Honey. _

_"Golden." I breathe out "Timeless as a kiss Liv, your beauty never fades, age or time can never erase your beauty because it comes from your soul. God, forgive me for my sins, but I am going in full throttle." _

_Tears fall down my face as she holds me tightly dancing slowly our bodies pressed so close there is no space left between us, even our breaths hit each other's checks. "You are perfect, Liv, my sunshine, my anchor, my hearts harbor. I never want this to end." _

_"It won't Amanda I promise you I never want to miss a moment Amanda to tell you how lovely you are how pure and beautiful in body, mind, and soul from the first moment I saw you I knew you would change my life forever impact it somehow I just never knew how much." _

_We stay silent for a while dancing under those stars we're not the only couple there are many doing the same, but she is the only one I see and ever care to see. My head rests on her shoulder for the longest time. I am just savoring this moment, afraid it will end despite her promise. _

_Nothing this beautiful ever happens to me. Ever. I don't trust it, but I want to, so when I pick up my head, I look into her eyes and see them smiling down on me. I don't even think about what I start to sing; it just comes out naturally. _

"_For as long as I can remember_

_You were there, all the memories and the promises that we shared_

_Cause you and I both know that life doesn't always go as we planned_

_That's just how it goes_

_I know the Valley is always darkest in the shadows_

_But I know that you are going to be there in the end_

_Your my light when I am lost_

_Your my walk in the dark_

_I feel you after the sunlight is gone_

_You always bring me back home_

_When I'm lost on the road, my hearts with you where ever you go_

_Cause you are my North Star_

_Through the good times, and the bad you took my hand_

_Showed up to cry upon when nothing makes sense_

_Oh, you and I have grown apart, but we both know if you need me, I'll be there _

_I know the valley's always darkest in the shadow _

_But I know that you are going to be there in the end_

_Your my light when I am lost_

_Your my walk in the dark_

_I feel you after the sunlight is gone_

_You always bring me back home_

_When I'm lost on the road, my hearts with you where ever you go_

_Cause you are my North Star_

"Amanda ….. Amanda, honey, calm down…."

"Olivia? "Liv?"

"Code! I need help. Someone, please help! She's seizing! I see bright lights, not starlight I can't figure out where I am, but I feel as if I am floating above myself. I can see Olivia standing by my bedside, screaming at me to come back to her. Where am I, though? Why can't I reach her? I hate seeing her crying so upset. Why can't I just do something right for once? Go to her, what's stopping me? God, is that me on that bed? I look so pale, so thin how many days has it been? Nurses and doctors are racing inside the room loud. Bright lights are shined as they start to shock me. I can't feel it, however.

I feel peaceful. I like the experience; it's the only time in my life. I can ever remember feeling this way. "It's strange, isn't it, Amanda?" Who's talking to me? I think someone is by me, but it can't be, how can it be? Keavy O'Connor and Josiah Kennedy, they're both gone forever from this world. Wait, am I gone now?

Keavy lays her hand on my shoulder she has the same expression on her face whenever she use to take the stage concentration and pure joy, a little smile that twisted up into a naughty expression of mysterious pleasure. "You have a choice to make Amanda, that woman is on a journey, it's not going to be easy, it won't come quick this shit is real, it ain't a Disney show, and bitch I can say that shit cuz I came up on Disney. Olivia, she's going through a lot she might not even know it yet, she'll need you though."

"So, I have to go back?"

"No, it's up to you Amanda, you can stay here with Josiah and me, and trust me girl it is beautiful up here in heaven. There's no pain, no fear, no regrets, the streets are made of Gold, there are rainbow waterfalls, people don't judge you can run free even if you never had legs on earth." "But there's also no going back. We can always remember our past. We just can't ever touch our loved ones again; some days, we can get a glimpse of them on special days like today when Jesus calls us to be his angels of mission. We can never be reunited though once we cross over. We can feel their pain, fear we can love them from afar. We just can't ever hold them again. The best we can do is try to make them feel us, but that's truly up to them."

"Jesus is giving you a choice, Amanda; he won't do it again next time he calls you home. It'll be to stay, so you need to choose."

"Go to Olivia, see if you can feel her, be her angel. She has so many conflicting thoughts. Try to comfort her."

I feel her take my hand. I haven't got the hang of this out of body experience thing yet. She flies me to where Olivia is, taking her hand in mine, I can feel her warmth, her shaking. I just want to hold her; I don't know if I can. Keavy nods I can see her eyes have drifted off when I follow her path I know who she is looking at her twin sister who is crying softly in her wife's arms. "Go to her, Keavy."

"I can't. It's not my mission; I am here for you, Amanda, and we don't have a lot of time."

Can Olivia feel me? She seems almost to embrace me. I wish I could read her mind that would be a cool superpower to have. I can't; though not in real-time thoughts, it's strange though I can almost feel her feelings. She's prettified "I'm here Olivia, I'm right here not there, that's just my body, please don't weep over my body. I am not there; I do not sleep; I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the soft stars that shine at night. I am in your heart; I need your prayers, not your tears. Olivia, I love you, take my hand feel me, feel my love. I am your angel; I am your biggest fan; you are my hero."

"I am waiting for you no matter how long it may take to keep the faith, Olivia. I am not in pain I do not fear, we are both on a journey, I need you to believe in me, I promise I will believe in you, support you love you however long it may take. My body may be weak right now; my soul is not."

"Georgia Peach." The nickname she gave me years ago drifts to my mind like the passing of the wind wait did she just whisper it? "Please wake up; I'll pray a rosary for you, Amanda, please just hear me. I will pray this rosary, and I know at least my presence here is known. Amanda, I am so sorry, I know I haven't given you the respect and dignity you deserve, please come back to me. I will do better. I know I will, I have my moments, I haven't always felt pretty or smart, I haven't always felt worthy of you, but I never wanted you to feel like you were never good enough. You are Amanda; please come back to me. Feel the sun with me."

"I want to go back, Keavy I am so sorry, I miss you so much, Josiah same, but it's not my time. Not yet. Is there anything you want me to tell Aisling?"

"Aw, sweetie, you won't remember this, not in detail. She knows I love her, I wish I could tell her I was sorry, but it's okay someday I will see her again, for now just love her for me, give her extra hugs. She won't tell anyone how much she hurts, even her wife. Just keep the gang together; it's been too long since you all hung."

"I promise I will."

There's no way for me to tell how much time has passed, I can't say there was some kind of shooting up miraculous moments. Waking up happened slowly one day at a time. Intense burning in my throat, the next day bright flashes streaks of lights. Another day it was voices clearer, loud beeping, music someone is singing to me. No, wait, that's the damn heart monitor playing the spice girls. Is this the nighties? Did I go back in time? Crap, I can't even wake up properly.

All white, I see all white one day it's torture is this what Soldiers go through when they are whitewashed? Suddenly one day, I can see everything; I can feel everything pain, fear, the dry throat, which becomes a deep burning. I think my breath caught in my throat. I am positively hysterical. They have to give me something to relax because I try to yank the tubes out.

The next time I awake, I am clearer I can smile even if I can't speak because of the tube. They only allow Presley in for the first few days, Time moves in broken fragments I am heavily drugged, so I sleep a lot.

"How long was I out for?" That's the first question I ask when the tube is out, and I am giving ice chips to soothe my aching throat. "A week and a half, baby girl." Presley wipes my forehead, "You'll be moved out of ICU today as long as you keep improving."

"What was wrong with me?'

"Fungal infection, pneumonia, lucky you tested negative for COVID-19."

"What the hell is that?" she laughs. "Some crazy new respiratory infection is going around which is not funny baby; I ain't laughing at that it's some scary-ass shit that's killing thousands of people all over the world. Italy's on lock-down so is China. It's just starting to come to the USA. You dodged a major bullet, sweetheart."

I cough as my chest tightens, "Was Olivia here?" "Yes, she was she took Noah to get something to eat, once you are in a standard room, she can visit. I did get special permission for a few other visitors though sweetheart you up for them?"

"Sure."

I have no desire to see anyone else except Olivia, but I settle back with my ice chips, nearly choking when I hear my friend's voice call out. "Hola, Sista." the thick Spanish/ Greek accent of my dear friend Celosia Vesta Reynoso lifts my spirits. "La chica principal está aquí, son Bienvenidos, Ahora comienza la fiesta" (The Main chick is here, you are welcome, now the party starts).

She spins into the room, even in her isolation gear. The bright colors of her designer outfit pop out, she never steps out of the house without looking like half a million dollars. It's been way too long since I have seen her, yet she doesn't look any older still the same fabulous flawless creamy coca skin that has never seen a pimple. Even her perfume smells expensive. "How are you?" She slides into my arms, embracing me. "Fantastic baby girl I was modeling in Italy before they kicked all the Americans out. No worries, I quarantined myself for two weeks before I came here. I am 100% healthy."

"I have my own company in LA currently I have 100 students enrolled all learning the ropes of the industry." She flops down on my bed, her skirt riding up revealing both her flawless legs they look identical you would never know the right one is a prosthetic or that she lost her leg to Ewing sarcoma at 12. No one would ever see this chick survived two different childhood cancers four times Ewing at 12 and 15 and Adamantinoma at 17 and 19.

"So talk to me, Amanda have you gotten Olivia's fine ass in bed yet? I mean, what are you waiting for?"

I nearly choke again on my ice damn are my friends trying to kill me? Do they want me dead? My throat gags on the water, sliding down, preventing me from answering. Both of them laugh hysterically as they rub my back. "Oliver, in the flesh and what splendid flesh it is Ralph Lauren picked my beautiful manscape to be his poster boy for the next six years, yes you heard that right. Oliver Aidan McKinney is the male Victoria Secret."

"Look, Wendy Peter Pan still won't grow up. Can I slap him, please, Mom?" Aisling laughs, shaking her head. "No, baby, not yet. Not now, he did fly all the way from Neverland. Let's give him time to adjust to life back here on earth; he may just be dizzy from the lack of oxygen us mortals need to survive."

"aw, haters gonna hate she's just jealous mama cause I landed the bigger deals." Oliver and Celosia kiss on their checks laughing. They've always had the I love you I want to kill you type of relationship.

"To the gang being all back together!' he raises a toast with his mountain dew can handing cans to everyone except me. I raise my ice chips watching Aisling who, while she smiles and clicks glasses, there's a sadness in her eyes. I feel a strong pull to hug her. I can't understand why. We've never been besties, Presley and I were always closer, I was super tight with Keavy maybe I am feeling her somehow. I can't explain this feeling though I've never felt it before. This sudden need to comfort Aisling to tell her I am sorry.

Sometimes Oliver doesn't think before he speaks. He truly is like a kid who never grew up. It's not malicious ever. It is just carelessness. I often wonder if it was from the high dosage of radiation and chemotherapy he received. "We're not all together babe, we never will be again." Celosia is gentle as she touches his hand, reminding him as if he has forgotten. His expression kills me. He looks like a lost boy whose head was in the clouds and his floating back to earth.

I stop him before he can hit himself. All he wanted to do was make me laugh, make me feel better; he never wanted to hurt Aisling or dishonor our friends who have gone on before us. Yet he did. "I'm sorry, Aisling, I didn't think." She replies simply by a sad smile turning to go towards the big bay window.

Presley pats his hand, heading to her wife's side. Celosia pulls out a box. It's from our camping days the last one when we turned 18 and aged out of the camp. Normal years we would gather ashes from the fire bring back to the next year, that year since there was no coming back, all graduating campers are given a chest with a collection of pictures from the years of every summer that they have attended the camp. Their fellow capers write down special memories of that person. Tokens of affections are placed in the chest; counselors each give something unique to the campers.

"I brought this with me so we would never forget." she pulls out a photo, not just any photo though our last photo of all of us together. Aisling and Presley return to my bed. All of us crowd on it as we gaze upon this picture. "All six of us together; we were so young, so naive so innocent."

"So idealistic, it's like we really were in never-land."

"Aren't all kids at some point? Is that the joy of childhood? Even childhoods riddled with cancer."

"Girl, we were babies, gorgeous babies, but damn look how young we were." Oliver fingers the photo tears glisten in his eyes as he stares at the faces of our youthful, playful, innocence filled days. "Keavy

with her gorgeous red hair curled around her left facial check, you almost wouldn't know you two were twins Aisy."

She twists her lips into a painful smile. "That's what the bitch was going for." her words aren't bitter, just reminiscent. I stare at the picture even if she had been trying to separate herself from her sister there is nothing but pure love shining in her two gorgeous eyes, Keavy's arm is wrapped around Aisy's shoulders their heads are bent together, they both share the same beautiful smile.

Our smiles our faces are frozen forever in time, just like Keavy's age of fifteen and Josiah at sixteen. It's not right; we all got to grow up live our dreams escape from Never-Land experience the bittersweet highs and cruelty of the low sea depths. We got to live life post-cancer.

"Okay, I'll start remembering the time we dyed Keavy's hair red? Oliver's voice cuts the tension as I handed my cup to Aisling, who takes a few ice chips to clear her throat. It's a wordless exchange she never told me she needed it, I just know. Our eyes, tell each other what words can't. "hell yeah!" Celosia speaks up her eyes snapping with fire "we dyed my mom's brand new white washer bright red all cuz your crazy ass sister Aisling shot up like she was some kind of model in a Beyonce video stuttering around singing like she was some kind of pop queen."

You know I look good as f...k

You'll want me around all the time

I'll be your Cher to your Sonny

I am your saving grace

The Halo on the darkest days

Bet, you'll be falling to your knees begging me to be your baby's mamma

"That crazy-ass bitch swung dye all over the brand new washer; my mamma beat my ass raw for three weeks. Shit, she still brings it up on holidays, oh you think your kids be little bad-asses did I ever tell you the time when my precious did this."

"Yeah, but girl, you stayed down even after all these years you never betrayed your girl."

"Well, no, she did pay me the money to get a new washer so I couldn't be a nasty hoe."

"Keavy was a real character Asiy sassy, classy, funny, loyal to a fault, fierce, compassionate, fucking beautiful, and always hopeful. We all miss her and will always carry her with us; we need to make a promise from now on no more ten years passing with no contact. Each year we need to pick a place and come back. We need to honor each other in life and not in times of death and illness. Amanda, you're going to kick cancer's ass again, so don't even give me that I may not be around next year's crap."

Celosia slaps my knee, so I raise my melting ice chip glass. "Keavy always had a plan for everything she was first to be diagnosed with cancer out of the two of us; she made a plan and stuck to it. One was always to remain positive, and her number one reason to be positive was that she had a badass twin sister to have her back."

"Girl, you are bad-ass."

"I know, but it's because I had a twin to walk through life with now I have an angel watching over me."

"Oh, Girl, remember when she found out that Josiah's birthday was in summer, and he hadn't told anyone."

All of us laugh loudly; I fall against Presley's shoulder, all of us remembering that day so clearly in our minds. "Hell yeah, she took his boxers sewed a picture of Josiah as a naked baby onto it along with the wonderful message. We're all born bare-assed and happy, so celebrate your birthday the same way you came in, love Keavy. Then she strung it up the flag pole, broke the lever so you couldn't take it down, and blasted Green Day's Time of Your life from the speakers."

"She got away with it to man." Aisling shook her head. "Oh no she didn't she got in so much trouble, they wanted to kick her out of camp that summer.

"Seriously?" She nods, laughing her tears drying as her checks flush remembering, "That's where the dream of owning our own camp came from."

"Our money and name saved her from being kicked out because let's face it if it weren't for us promoting the camp on our tour, having the fundraisers we did at our meet and greets and talking about the camp in interviews they would never have the money to run each year. So we figured you know what they want to try to tell us how to live our lives, why we don't we take our money and make our own camp."

"To our Queen Keavy! To dead skin, tattoos, the sixth spice girl in our group, and sweet, sweet memories, To our King Josiah to Revolution, Justice, Screaming For Solutions, Forcing Changes, Risk, And Danger Making Noise And Making Pleas! To Fucking Life Bitches! Yeah!"

"To dreams that come true!"

"To dreams, we want to come true! I whisper, thinking of Olivia as I look to the door feeling a sudden urge to do so, my mouth dropping open as I see Olivia standing there with Noah, my mom, and Kim, Alex.

"Hello, Amanda."

"Is this real?" I barely whisper the words as Oliver looks over, arching his eyebrow, meowing, "Yes, angle it is, now stop being a pussy and get you some of that fine ass hot Mamma."

"How do I start? How can I tell her how much she means to me?"

"Girl, you already did let her do the talking and remembering one thing." I look at him "Measure your life in love, give her the time to come to her feelings she has that right. You've had 11563200 minutes, Twenty-Two years, 192720 hours, 8030 days, 693792000 seconds to love her, and accept this; she's had a week barely. Respect her the way you want to be respected by her. You'll work out, Amanda. I promise we can't control tomorrow. You only have one day, and that's today."

Right, only today, so make it count.


	12. Chapter 12 Destiny Lies Ahead

**Chapter 12: Destiny Lies Ahead**

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

Fr a moment, I stand in silence Noah's small hand in my larger one. Alex is standing behind us, her hand resting on my shoulder. Beth Anne and Kimberly on either side of us. I watch Amanda, who looks so small in her hospital bed, laughing with her friends.

How is it she had this whole life with friends I have never met. She looks so thin, so pale tubes and wires come from all angles of her body, her breathing is labored each coughing fit makes it harder for her to get air causing her to gasp louder each breath she tries to take.

"Liv?" the surprised tone in her voice chokes me up, helping me to snap back to attention. Has she honestly been doubting my acceptance? Have I stayed away too long? "Speak woman speak," Kim's closed fist slams into my side, lower back she whispers the command into my ears. Clearing my throat, I step forward, "Hey, Amanda. I am so sorry it took me this long to come to find you."

"Coffee sounds grand darlin'."

"Love it, bitch, you're buying."

"I gotta pee."

"Oh, my phone, it's ringing." "No, it's not Presley." "Ring….Ring. Answer me, bitch! See, it's ringing!"

"Girl, you are tripping." Everyone suddenly has an excuse as to why they have to leave, "Hey, Kid, you like ice cream?" "My name is Noah, not kid, and what kid doesn't like ice cream?" We find ourselves alone in the room. My eyes scan for nurses since I am not supposed to be in here when I see it's clear; I close the door hurrying over to Amanda's bed, settling on it.

She struggles to sit up further but refuses my help stubborn as always "So why did it take you so long?" How do I answer this question without hurting her or this friendship? "Fear." It's simple but true, catching her attention. "I've never faced a situation like this, Amanda."

"You've had women tell you that they liked you before Liv."

"Yes, I have had women tell me that. Women I have barely known this is different; you're one of my closet friends. You're a subordinate. It's a tougher circumstance." "If this is some kind of rejection speech, Liv save it, spare me I have no energy left, I am running out of time, I don't have anything left to nurse a broken heart, this is why I left. So I could at least die with some sort of hope."

"No Mandy, please listen to me it's not a rejection, I know I should have connected sooner silence isn't the answer."

"No, Liv, it isn't your silence hurt."

"I'm honored you choose me, Amanda, to be the person you came out to in New York." She's searching me unsure where I am heading. "I'm not even sure this is unchecked territory to me."

"I'm easy enough to connect with Olivia; I have a cell phone, email, social media you said nothing."

"Because what I have to say shouldn't be broadcasted across the net. It needs to be said face to face, honey." My lips twitch in nerves, my stomach moans with intense nausea. "So, what is it you have to say, Olivia?" She's trying to be brave to remain calm, but I see the hope dancing in her eyes God, please don't let me crush it. I feel her hands slip into mine.

"I've been fighting with my heart for days Amanda in how I feel, what I should feel. What I should say ever since Ed took his life it's as if a light has gone out in my soul."

"I haven't been able to eat or sleep without nightmares I find myself crying over the simplest of things out of sheer frustration or hopelessness. I feel the weakest I have ever felt in my whole life. It's scary, Amanda. I feel worthless as if I will never measure up or be good enough or as good as I use to be as when I was younger. I gave up on ever being purely loved for me."

She tries to open her mouth, but my fingers cover her lips, silencing her. "Until your letter Amanda I honestly felt lost. You reminded me I do matter. That I have a right to feel angry betrayed or sad that I have a right to question why, however."

"You made me feel beautiful you told me how you see me as strong badass you reminded me I am loved; I belong I am not frail or weak I could picture your arms holding me protecting me from rough waters keeping me anchored to a harbor upon the shore."

"Is this another dream? It has to be beautiful events like this don't happen to me." her shock destroys my heart; she honestly doesn't think she's worth being loved or that it could happen to her. Who hurt her so badly they shattered her confidence? "You love me?" her voice has become so small insecure, my heart nearly stops. I love you three simple yet powerful words they've started wars, inspired countless movies and songs. People put so much empathize on these three words without feelings or meaning they are just empty promises. I can't lie to her as much as she needs to hear them as sick as she is, I have to stay true to myself, to how I feel which is confused and petrified.

Her eyes are ocean waves swimming in hopes of high tides. God, I have to be the cruise ship to ripple her waves I'm starting to hate cruise ships. "Amanda, you've been a lighthouse to me guiding my lost ship to the shore." she's getting tired I can see she's drained God, I need just to get it out. Say the words already, end both our pain, why is it so hard?

"I'm not in love with you, Amanda," the hope in her eyes becomes a lost ship at sea. Tears mist over her eyes once again, I am hurting her without meaning to I feel how I feel though I can't deny it. "I'm still prepossessing Tucker's death; it's a lot to take in right now; it's overwhelming. What I want you to know though, is that even though I am not in love with you, sweetheart, I accept you, I love you as a friend and a coworker."

"Mandy love is complicated; it takes its own path; it can't be rushed or pointed into a forced path; it will come to each of us when God plans for it to come. Maybe down the line when my heart has healed, maybe then it can start to find new love. I am not opposed to same-sex relationships Amanda, I may have never been in one myself, but the idea of being in love with a woman isn't gross to me. It doesn't make me run in fear. I think what Alex and Casey have is so special and so lovely I would love to have their relationship with someone. So what I am asking you, sweetheart is to give me the time to process."

"I'm not asking you to feel anything you don't feel Liv or to rush your path. I understand it's hard, of course, you have my support, my love. Right now, anything you can give to me is more than enough, Olivia. I respect you. This means so much, Liv. Thank you." Amanda slips into my arms, which ache from missing her so much.

"So you've been in love with me since you were seventeen, huh?" she groans, burying her head into her hands coughing, "Who told you that? I will kill them."

"Aisling and your mom."

"I think it's cute; I am flattered that you have loved me that long Amanda, I am not young or beautiful anymore."

"Olivia Margaret Benson, you are gorgeous to me and have always been." "Age is only a number darlin' you are timeless. Your beauty never fades Liv because it comes from inside of you." "I've seen you chase subjects, so you ain't moving like your old."

I can only smile at her remembering the man I chased earlier this week "thank you, Amanda, so now getting serious sweetheart, have you made a decision yet about getting the transplant?"

"That's an excellent question, Amanda." Dr. Callisto comes into the room, breezing in with Kim and Beth Anne behind her. "Is there a chance it could still work Dr. Callisto with my latest development?"

"Your alive sweetheart that is enough for me to keep hoping as long as you keep fighting I will keep fighting to get you into remission. We do have to move fast, though. If you want the transplant, we need to start you on a high dosage of Chemotherapy. You'll need time to get your system ready."

Amanda looks to me "Liv this isn't going to be pretty Chemo is brutal on a person's body I don't want you to watch me suffer, you've already lost Tucker." "honey, please don' worry about me. I'll be fine."

"You say that all the time it doesn't make it true, your hurting you deserve to have someone hold you comfort you have a shoulder to cry on someone to love me. I know you, Olivia, you'll cast aside your own pain, fear to take care of me. That's not what I want."

Her concern touches me. She's going through so much right now, yet her focus is on my pain "Let's make a pact Amanda to each other. To not hide our pain or how we are feeling with each other, always to be honest no matter how brutal."

"I can do that, but don't you have to get back to New York?"

"No honey Fin's running the unit, Erin Lindsay stepped up to help us out, and Munch came out of retirement to help I'm here to focus on you, honey." "What about Noah? He's missing school and dance." "He's fine, honey it'll be good for him to get out of the city now stop changing the subject."

"Sorry, Liv, I'm just not used to this."

"What's that?" "Someone caring."

"Well, get used to it, sweetheart, cause I am not going anywhere. I'm here now, and I care."

"Dr. Callisto?"

"So, in preparation for you saying yes, I already started getting people tested." Her Mom arches her eyebrow "who got tested?"

"Noah did, honey." her eyes shoot up. "Noah, he's seven. That's way too much for a kid to endure Liv."

I squeeze her hand in reassurance "I talked to Dr. Callisto with Noah there's minimal pain involved for the donor and Noah understands all of it he wants to help, so if he is a match Amanda I will allow him to donate. Please don't fight me on this"

"I also got tested along with Fin, Kat and Erin they set up a community drive in New York for the community to donate to help a sister in blue." "But I am not a cop anymore I quit." "Oh, you did I don't remember getting any official paperwork stating that I only got some letter stating you needed vacation time. Erin also asked her friends in Chicago to come out and get tested, Firehouse 51 even set up a community drive out there."

She lays her head on my shoulder, allowing me to trace my fingers over her body, feeling her exhale "I got tested to sissy." Amanda's head snapped back into Kimberly's direction. Their Mom is as shocked as Amanda. "You got tested, Kimberly?"

"Yes, Mother, I am old enough to make my own choices I want to help my sister; she's my family, my blood. I have hope mama." she comes closer, taking Amanda's hands "We've been through a lot one thing I learned is you have to love something about where you come from. I love you, Amanda, I love our cousins, they've all come out to get tested too. Even Carrie."

"I believe God will come through I believe there's a reason he sent Liv to me. I think I will be the one to come through. I honestly think it's why Mom never let me get tested when I was a kid sissy. God plans to lead us to this moment; he gave me clarity now. I know I have to get clean to be a better mom, to be the sister you deserve after everything I did to you, and you always came through for me. Now it's my turn to come through for you; I believe I will be a match. We're sisters, Amanda, we have each other's backs."

"Your not sisters Kimberly's."

Beth Anne's words stop all of us cold Kim is the first to react "Of course she is!"

"No Kimberly she's not, Amanda is not our biological child I won't go into details I won't incriminate myself all I will say is you won't be a match for Amanda. You're not sisters, so quit talking bullshit and let the doctors search for someone who could actually be a match."

Beth Anne walks out without so much of a word towards Amanda, leaving a devastated Kimberly who's tears fall in rapid succession. "We're not sisters?" Amanda has little time to even think about everything that has been said before Kimberly rushes off in tears. Amanda, honey." I stop talking when I notice she's hyperventilating and quickly call for help.

The room fills with medical professionals quickly. I take Amanda's hand, rubbing it gently, kissing it. "I'm here, Amanda, right here, sweetie. Relax and let the team help you. Don't focus on what your Mom said, not right now. Focus on my eyes; I won't leave you. I love you." the nurses slip some medication into her IV to help ease her. An oxygen mask is placed over her mouth to ease her discomfort. How much does God expect her to take? My heart breaks for her as I look into her eyes, seeing the vulnerability of fear and confusion.

My brain won't stop spinning with this latest development. The cop in me is instantly going over every detail in how Beth Anne said the words, the tone." _ "No Kimberly she's not, Amanda is not our biological child I won't go into details I won't incriminate myself all I will say is you won't be a match for Amanda."_

This means however, Amanda came into this family was not legal, so where did Amanda come from? What does this mean to Amanda if she has no biological relatives to be a match. Who is Amanda Rollins? I am determined to get these answers kissing her hand. I watch as her eyes close when the medication takes effect. I need to strong for Amanda. I need to be her rock.

**A/N: Thank you everyone for the love, support I am working on this fic in my notebook and I'm now caught up to what I have posted. So I will try to update when I can maybe a bit till the next update.**


	13. Chapter 13 Getting Closer

**Chapter 13: Getting Closer**

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

"Thank you so much for coming Erin for supporting Amanda and helping the unit while they are so short-staffed." "Og course Liv, thank you for trusting me. How is Detective Rollins doing?" Hugging agent Erin Lindsay I feel my week's worth of exhaustion settling in "Not so great she's been sick for days since she started chemo. Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, pounding headache, body aches, chills." "It's horrible to watch her suffer. I can't even hold her because she's in isolation; she's trying to be strong for me."

"Not easy, Olivia, she's trying to be strong for you, and I bet you are trying to be strong for her."

"You know us well, Erin. So how are you?"

"I'm good Liv, thank you, Olivia, I'm loving being back in action, there's so much paperwork with the FBI, I hardly ever see the field anymore."

"I hear Fin saying great things about you, Erin, so if you ever want to make a change, I have a spot waiting for you."

"Your serious Olivia?"

"Yes, Ma'am. You interested?"

"Very Captain, will talk more when you are back in NYC."

"Yes, we will. Keep me updated on the investigation, did you make contact with Jim Rollins yet?"

"We did with help from Kim; he was a tough nut to crack, but we didn't quit. He confessed he kidnapped a toddler from Coney Island in 1984. According to him, Beth Anne got pregnant at 16; he was 18. Her parents threw her out, so they ran away together. Neither graduated high school, so they spent their time panhandling, hitchhiking. Beth Anne miscarried somehow, which lead to them fighting all the time, Beth Anne became depressed and angry. Jim was afraid of losing her, so after four years, he took matters into his own hands."

"I'm afraid to ask Erin."

"On their seventh anniversary, Jim took Beth Anne to Coney Island to celebrate their relationship, and Beth Anne saw this little Blue-eyed blond-haired girl who she swore looked like their daughter would have if she had lived. She was helping a lady who was running a game booth, entertaining the crowd. So Jim spent the next two weeks watching her, getting to know her routine following her to the house she lived in, the school she went to. After he got comfortable with the routine, he started to approach her. Talk to her, offer her candy got to befriend her."

"The bastard groomed her."

"Pretty Much Liv."

Anger burns inside my blood racing as fast as the cancer is tearing apart Amanda's body; the pain is eating my soul. To think of the type of men who would take advantage of a child earn their trust for one purpose only. To hurt them, take them to form the life they knew.

"Beth Anne just accepted this child, no questions? No hesitation?"

"He wouldn't say guess even after all these years he still wants to protect her."

"How noble."

"Well, he did say shortly after he took the girl, that Beth Anne got pregnant with Kim, they were on the road, broke. Beth had developed a nasty coke and alcohol addiction. She couldn't handle raising a child, so she saw the girl as a way to help her. She taught Amanda how to change diapers, clothes, feed the baby. Hold a baby."

"She found a use for Amanda in other words."

"Basically, yes."

"Have you started a search for any missing toddlers in 1984?"

"Yes, but it's almost impossible to discover because in 1984 the missing and exploited kids organization was just being formed." "There were no amber alerts; unfortunately, since many children are never reported missing, there is no reliable way to determine the total number of children who are actually missing in the U.S."

I know this. I am a detective. It doesn't make it easier, though, knowing Amanda's future; her life may depend on finding her biological family. "I want Fin and Kat to go to Coney Island interview the older employees; the owner see if anyone knows anyone who worked there in 1984 and who had a daughter."

"Copy that, Captain."

"Keep working Jim Rollins; I want him charged, keep Kim in custody to he'll be more inclined to talk if he knows she'll be held as well."

"What should we hold her on?"

"Pick a charge; she has a rap sheet as long as my years on earth."

"Copy that Captain, I'll call Kat I just need to run to the ladies room."

"Okay, I am going to check on Amanda meet you in the cafe in twenty Erin. Thanks again."

Heading back upstairs, I start to wash up, which is a long process. I can see Amanda laying in the bed in a fetal position. A basin under her mouth her chest heaving painfully. "She's having a rougher day than the last few if you want to go in there. I think it would do her more good than harm." Her RN Xenia comes up behind me. "Are you sure?" "Yes, patients need more than medicine to get through their journey. They need love and support; she needs to feel your touch, your love. Go on; just use proper precautions."

After gowning up placing on gloves, I slip inside the room, which smells of medicine and sickness. Taking a moment to adjust to it, I move towards the bed. She's dropped ten pounds in the last few days; her body is covered in rashes, bruises her mouth is filled with open sores, making food and drinks impossible. She's on TPN, but it's doing little to keep her nourished, not when she keeps throwing up all day.

Amanda can't even pick her head up to look at me the lights are burning her eyes her head is pounding so I gently take her hands. Kissing them, "I'm here, honey." slowly, her eyes open her lips crack their bloody and dry. I take a wet cloth and wipe her lips, which helps her to speak clearly. "Pee." wiping her sweaty forehead. I help her to sit up. "you need to pee. Is that what you are trying to tell me?" she moans, nodding. "Slowly sit up, honey, so you don't get dizzy." "hurry, please, Liv."

Gentle as possible, I help slide the bedpan under her lowering her underpants covering her, so she has a modest amount of privacy. "Thanks, Liv. Been trying to hold it, the nurses are so busy today." "Honey don't be afraid to call their here to help; your needs are just as important as the kids here."

"How are you feeling otherwise today?"

"So tired, I just want to sleep my muscles are numb, tingling, there's mind-numbing pain shooting up my legs, which are having spasms. All normal, though, Liv, so don't panic."

Cleaning her up, I empty the urine and wash up before heading back to the bed, settling in beside her she positions herself, so she's laying in my arms. "What can I do to help you, my love?" "Just hold me, please, Olivia."

Amanda may see herself in only negative ways. She doesn't feel worthy of the nurse's attention because she's older and an adult and in a children's hospital. I see her in the opposite of lights when I look at Amanda.

I see her humbleness.

Her compassion

Her grace in admitting when she's wrong the way she's so fast thinking on her feet, how passionate she is towards the victims, and getting justice. Amanda has this fantastic light to her that can light up a darkened ally and make the birds of Hade's sing songs of peace and love.

My fingers trace down her neck and scalp; her hair has become so thin and fragile. For the first time in my life since William Lewis, I am utterly terrified about losing someone I love. It's a sickening mind-numbing body shaking fear.

I am used to being in charge of catching the bad guys and locking them away; I can't detect cancer I can't punish it. I can't control the outcome or the journey. "Please God, don't take Amanda, please use your mercy and cast light to one of your children. She needs your love and healing touch."


	14. Chapter 14 Make-A-Wish

**Chapter 14: Make-A-Wish**

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

"How do I feel? This question is probably one of the most loaded ones I've ever heard in all my thirty-nine years. I'm sure you want to hear all about how angry I am at God, at life, for giving me this illness to battle again."

Hearing Amanda talking so openly to a therapist floors me, she's never opened up to one before even when I ordered her to. "She knows how to play the game." Presley's voice floats above the laughter of the children playing only a few feet apart. Presley and Aisling's two boys Oisin who is almost ten and Rio Five along with Noah, and three of the kids who are patients. There's ten-year-old Miranda Olsen, Seven-year-old Ryan Frank, and eight-year-old Megan Luke.

"What game is that?"

"Mama!" Presley smiles, motioning for me to wait as she goes to check on Rio while Aisling moves closer "The game she is talking about is life, if Amanda refuses to talk to the therapist she'll be denied a transplant. If she's denied she will die, it's simple as 1 2 3. She tried to believe me when she was fifteen, and they first made her talk to someone Mandy played the tough cookie card, she sat there glaring refusing to open up. So did our friend Jason Keller he was sixteen and too tough to play the game wouldn't open up for some paid person listening to his emotions. You know the drill men don't cry, Jason was denied the transplant, and he died two weeks later. That was a real eye-opener for Amanda she started talking after he passed."

"I guess that makes sense. The team needs to know you are in the right state of mind to receive a life-saving gift. If you don't take care of it, then it's a waste."

"Very true, how is Amanda afterward, usually?"

"It depends it's not always as cleansing as people say it is sometimes you feel real shitty afterward, those times Amanda shuts down can't even so much as crack a smile from her then. Other times she seems almost at peace. Hopefully, this is one of those times she has a lot to get off her chest, and Dr. Carly is amazing."

"Mama." Noah comes racing over; it's taken a while to get used to him bald; each time I look at him though I am amazed at how my son is growing in maturity a few weeks ago, Amanda asked Aisling to shave her after her hair started falling out. Aisling does for the kids here; she sets up days each week to shave kids who are about to lose their hair to treatments. She makes a big deal of it playing music bringing treats dancing with the kids. They have a ball and forget about their troubles even if it's only for a few hours.

Megan had been scared to get her head shaved, so Noah had taken her hand and volunteered to have his shaven so she wouldn't feel alone or scared. "Yes, sweet-pea?" Sitting beside me, I can't help but reach out to touch his little head. "Aw, Mama, really?" "Yes, really, I can't believe how smooth it feels." "It feels amazing to Mama I may never grow my hair out again." Both of us laugh as I hug him close. "So, what is your question, my love?"

"You're a cop, right? You and Aunt Amanda?" "Yes honey we are, why do you ask that?"

"Because Ryan has a cancer called diffuse intrinsic pontine gliomas (DIPG), he has been giving something called a make-a-wish. Have you ever heard of it?" My throat tightens "Yes, honey I have there's an organization called the Make-A-Wish foundation they have officers in every country and state. Their focus is to provide wishes to kids 18 and under who have a life-threatening to serious illness."

"Ryan wishes to be a police officer mama, but the lady in charge of wishes say they are backed up, there's something called COVID-19 going around, so everything is on hold. Ryan only has a few weeks left to live, according to his doctor. If you are a cop, Mama, can't you make something happen?"

"I can try honey; I have no jurisdiction here, though."

"I don't know what that means, Mama." Laughing, I ruffle his head. "Jurisdiction means the territory or sphere of activity over which the legal authority of a court or other institution extends. So for Aunt Amanda and me, our Jurisdiction is Manhattan. Once we go past Manhattan to the Bronx or Brooklyn, they have their own cops there."

"Okay, I get it now, but Mama, you met a local cop here, remember? When we first came here, you helped that officer catch the pick-pocket, can he make something happen?" My brain is fussy trying to remember what he is talking about; it's been weeks of needles, lousy news, infections, sickness. It's all blurred together. "Remember the man who is obsessed with Aisling, and was so floored that Kim knew her."

"Oh, yeah, now I remember, I can make some calls and see what I can do. Noah, Ryan is lucky to have a friend as loyal as you." He shrugs, "Mama, I'm the lucky one meeting these kids it's really opened my eyes up to see there's a whole world out here beside New York, kids who have it a lot less nice than I do."

Amanda comes out of the office; her face puffy from crying the bandanna around her bald head makes her look younger. Getting up, I rush to her she smiles tightly embracing me she feels so thin nowadays it makes my throat swell up. "What are we talking about here, ladies?" quickly I fill her in on Noah's request, she lays her head down on my shoulder. "I remember my Make-A-Wish wish I was thirteen and asked to go to The Georgia State Gun Show." I have to laugh; it sounds like an Amanda thing.

"Mama, I just feel bad because there are so many more kids here who have wishes which may never get to see them fill-filled." Amanda hugs Noah as we sit by him. "Let me talk to Mrs. Klein; she's in charge of the Make-A-Wish program. I bet other kids want to be police officers. We should do a ceremony for all of them; we can make a day out of it have a band play."

"Presley and I can take care of the entertainment part." "Thanks, Aisling." "Sure, when do we want to make this happen?"

"As soon as possible, Ryan doesn't have much time left." Walking to Amanda's room, we take it slow she's weakened, but in good spirits, her counts are up today, so she's able to walk around now with a mask on; "Can we get some air?" I look towards Presley, who nods, grabbing a wheelchair "Uh really Liv?"

"Yes, honey, you know the rules."

She relaxes once we are outside, breathing in the fresh air. Noah runs laughing as he tosses a football with his friends. "I was starting to feel like I would never see the outside world again. God, this sucks being stuck inside for so long. I know it's for my own protection, but it still sucks."

Squeezing her shoulder, I wheel her towards a beautiful pond, "St. Jude has an amazing facility here." "They do Liv, it's been years since I've been here, but not much has changed it feels timeless, here." She pushes herself up to sit on the fountain. I can't stop myself from staring at her. She looks so young so beautiful I move closer to her taking her hand into mine.

"Thank you, Liv, for being here for me these past few weeks, your support means everything to me. I know I have put a lot on you with my letter and leaving so suddenly. I want you to know that I don't take this lightly, I know how much your work means to you, for you to leave NY behind pack up your son. It means everything to me, so thank you."

Amanda's honesty does something to me. I find myself moving closer to her, my heart beating faster. The thought of almost losing her fills my mind seeing her attached to all those wires, tubes unconscious moaning. I'm beyond grateful to have her sitting here next to me, looking so much healthier. "Amanda, sweetie you don't have to thank me, I've already told you I want to be here for you." She smiles tentatively. It's nearly breathtaking to me seeing her smile. The sun is shining down, gleaming off the water in the fountain, birds are chirping, kids are laughing running free. Trees are beginning to look full and rich of color as spring births new life.

None of it seems as beautiful as Amanda's smile at this moment. Her eyes are transfixed into mine. I can feel my heart beating extra beats as my palms suddenly feel nervous. A feeling I didn't know was possible who knew palms had feelings—their sweating like crazy as I place them on her shoulders.

"You alright, Liv?" I am unable to form words moving even closer; why are my lips so dry all of a sudden? "You learn to appreciate life and nature after being stuck inside for so long. I've done this four times already, Liv; I can remember the first day I found out I had cancer at thirteen. When I began cancer treatment, I couldn't wait for the day to finish. But now then I completed treatment, I wasn't sure if I was ready for life after treatment as a cancer survivor. I adjusted though each time it wasn't easy, friends moved on, many kids looked at me as if I was the disease and not a girl who had beaten a disease. My family went from either trying to hard to shelter me or treating me as if I thought I was too good for them."

Carrie jumps to my mind automatically "They resented me for costing them money and taking the adults time away from them. I had to work harder than any other kid in my class to keep up with classwork while battling this disease, the treatments, and side effects. Which sucked by the way."

She pauses, taking a drink of the water I notice Aisling and Presley have wandered off to give us privacy. Not so subtle but appreciated none the less. "After I went home, I found myself battling depression, anger, and isolation I let it consume me for a while I suppose, I had a little support system at home. Truthfully I feel more supported here than I did at home. I lived my life better when I was sick as that sounds. "I didn't take anything for granted. I said what I needed to say. And I kept positive people around me. That's a model for how I want to live now, and I feel guilty when I don't do that. You re a perfect example to me Olivia through all your advisory and challenges, William Lewis for an example you have always managed to live without apology, with a smile, your strength and resilience is remarkable. He tried to break you, and you didn't let him Liv, you turned the tables on him and beat his ass. That's what I am trying to do with Mia." I stare at her. "I nicknamed Leukemia "Mia," only Amanda, I thought, shaking my head laughing.

"I know you think he didn't break me Amanda, but that's not true, William took a piece of me I will never get back, he shattered something inside of me I will never be able to put back together. Even now, I sometimes find myself locking doors twice, putting a nightlight on double-checking windows.:"

"Lying awake staring at the ceiling convincing myself it wasn't some creep breaking in when I hear an animal scurrying, or a wind blowing at the fire escape. Sometimes it worked; it doesn't."

"You never let it show, Liv." Her hand touches my check she's warm and soft "I couldn't Amanda I had the whole team to think about, all of you had your pwn guilt, worry I am the leader I was suppose to be reliable. It's my job to protect you all.

"Maybe it's good you are talking to someone who isn't me. Our relationship is complicated as it is."

"I agree to Liv, very much, so I don't want to burden you with this either. Not because I don't think you can handle it, I know you can but, there has to be some sense of normalcy for me. You provide that for me. Cancer is so scary, no matter how many times you travel this journey. Even amidst a loving family or in a crowd of friends, cancer is lonely. Very lonely. No matter how strong and deep a support system, cancer is a journey that must be taken alone. A solo trek on a formidable journey none of us ever wanted to take in the first place."

"I get that." She shakes her head sadly, "No, Liv, you don't, and you can't possibly get it, cause you've never had cancer. I know you're trying to help but, you have no clue what it feels like to have to go to all these appointments with medical oncologists, radiation oncologists, surgeons, and so much more."

"Deal with everyone having an opinion on how I should live my life what choices I should make."

"You are being too weak to drive myself to appointments to even get out of bed to use the bathroom myself—having to have someone schedule my appointments because I am also out of breath, too tired, mentally and physically to schedule those appointments."

You don't know what it's like to live at pharmacies, have those pharmacists know you by name."

"Oh, then there's the millions of Hospitalizations and surgery. Lose of friends, not just the ones who die, the ones who can't handle the fact you have cancer, and it happens as adults as well as kids. You have ever experienced chemo or the harsh side effects, including the inability to have kids of my own because the Chemo destroyed my reproductive system, made me sterile. Stunt growth, late development, heavy menstruation. In short, cancer sucks."

"Your right Amanda, I am sorry, I should have chosen my words wiser, even listening to you list all that exhausts me, and you have been living it for half your life. It hurts Amanda, I know, pain isn't always visible, but it doesn't make it any less real."

"Your the first person who understands that Liv, beside Aisling, Presley most can't understand that if you don't appear too thin, have sores or bruises on you than your fine and just being a baby. Right now, I look like a baby pig puffy, red, bald ugly." "Oh, Amanda, you are not ugly, sweetheart." She smiles sadly, shaking her head. "Thanks, Liv, but I am I've looked in the mirror my eyes are bloodshot, I'm bald, paler than snow, I got sores, bruises and rashes covering my body. My breasts have lost their fullness; I have no hair anywhere. I'm not pretty, but it will fade, My hair will grow back I'll put on weight lose the water retention. I'll look normal again, inside though it'll change me, I won't be sane for a long time. No one will see that part. They will expect me to go back to work, to laugh the same, think the same. I won't be able to, though. This will change how I view things for a very long time."

I pull her tighter, hearing her talk about her experience has caused something inside of me to melt a wall I built a long time ago has started to crumble. "Amanda, when you are weak, let me be your walls, share your fears with me, I promise I won't think you are strange, well any more than you already are I will listen to you hold you, to me Amanda, you are beautiful scars and all."

My palm traces her jawline, pulling her face upwards, so we are looking into each other's eyes. Amanda's mind was going to that dark place again; I could see it all her fears and self-doubts in my words. She didn't believe me when I told her she is beautiful. Why should she? We've barely been friends for most of our ten years of knowing each other. There's a surge of helplessness which courses through my limp limbs how can I make her see how beautiful she is, that beauty isn't skin deep. Tears blur my eyes; she has no idea that she isn't the only one affected by this, that cancer doesn't just affect the person it's infected.

"Let Go Amanda, just close your eyes and let go of all your emotions. Trust in me, I trust in the Lord; he'll see me through, I will see you through this journey."

Amanda surprisingly allows me to wrap my arms around her, closing her eyes, she's so close now I can breathe in the smell of iron from the bleeding. Usually, a pretty strong smell that would make me nauseous. The disinfectant used to clean the wheelchair; IV Pole drifts to my sense none of it penetrates me any more than the smell of her lips, her breath which reminds me of strawberry shortcake.

I bend Amanda's head back, my lips against her cheek, making her blush laughing from the tickle of my wetness. Brushing her back shoulders lightly, I hear her gasp her lips parting at the escape of air. Both our bodies react to the tickle of my lips, shivering with nerves and anticipation. "If you want me to stop, tell me now," I whisper, having not a clue as to what I am doing, what it means, or why I am doing this. All I know is that being here with her, holding her in my arms, feels right. When she says nothing, I brushed my mouth against the hollow of her temple. "Or now." She traces the line of my cheekbone. "Or now." My lips are against hers. I feel her nails dig into the back of my shoulder. "Kiss me, Olivia, I've been dreaming of this moment forever."

The rest of her words are lost as I press her down against the brick of the fountain speckles of water spray us as I kiss her deeply my hands wrestle with her shirt pulling it up slightly not enough to become provocative since we are outdoors, just enough to cause her body to shiver. My kisses start gently our bodies are pressed together so tightly I can feel her arousal I can feel her stomach muscles taut with pleasure and tension. Amanda, however, isn't in the mood for soft, delicate kisses; she moves her lips, twisting them, so her mouth is open fuller, our tongues playing a game of catch and tease. Her palms press lightly on my back, pushing me into her deeper. Her breasts fully pressed into mine tender flushed flesh rising in gasps of delight as our mouths continue to please each other. She groaned softly, low in her throat, arms encircling me even tighter as she pulls me to her rolling me over; I don't resist the feeling of her warm body pressed on top of mine makes me almost lose myself.

What started slowly as a kiss of hesitation mixed with sympathy became one of curiosity now morphing into desire and need. My head was in a state of quiet wonder as the kiss deepens. I start hearing trains, whistles, fireworks, brilliant displays of color and joy. Each pass between moments of quite a reflection wondering what it would be like to hold her in my arms as we lay naked in bed, kissing each other's bodies, exploring each other with our tongues, fingers which lead to thunderous applesauce inside my head. I can hear her inside my brain moaning calling out my name.

She gasps for air, grabbing my hair head still bent back, so I kiss her throat, which vibrates in pleasure. I only let her have a moment to compose herself, truthfully I love seeing her lose control. We kiss again. This next kiss is the kind that breaks open the sky literally rain starts pouring down drenching us, both of us scream racing to get to safety wheelchair forgotten as I pick her up carrying her despite her squeals of protest. Breathlessly winded from the sprint, I press her against the brick wall; her cheeks are flushed. She's never been more beautiful to me, so I kiss her again, and again I've never tasted anyone or anything so sweet, a mixture of sugary coke, cherry medication, and lust.


	15. Chapter 15 Long Road

Chapter 15: Long Road

P O V: Olivia Benson

"Good news comes in two Amanda; You're in remission and, we found a match." Dr. Callisto's words break our spell as we come out of our trance, it's been almost a week since I first kissed Amanda, now I can't seem to stop I haven't had much time to process what it all means. I'm confused on many levels never in my life have I had a crush on a woman before. Never once did I fantasize about making love to a woman. Until now, I don't know why Amanda has set my sails to this course.

Is it love?

Curiosity? Sympathy? All I know with 100% certainty is I do not want to stop kissing her, touching her, smelling her. Laying in bed next to her, I clear my throat, squiring up to be a little more professional. Dr. Callisto, however, smiles blushing; she doesn't seem to mind. "I could warn you about the danger of germs at this stage in treatment, Amanda, but I know you know and won't stop doing what you are doing. So I'll save my breath."

She laughs loudly the first time I've heard her laugh in a while. "You said we have a match?" "Yes, two, in reality, both Kim and Noah matched. As you know, to get a match, Doctors match donors to patients based on their human leukocyte antigen (HLA) tissue type. HLA are proteins, or markers, found on most cells in your body. Our immune system uses these markers to recognize which cells belong in our body and which do not. A close HLA match between donor and patient is the most important matching factor. We all have many HLA markers. Half are inherited from our mother and a half from our father, so each brother and sister who shares the same parents have a 25% chance (1 in 4) of being a close HLA match. Extended family members are not likely to be close HLA matches. But about 70% (7 out of 10) of patients who need a transplant won't have a fully matched donor in their family. Research has found that a donor must match a minimum of 6 HLA markers. HLA matching is usually based on 10 HLA molecules. Noah has matched nine out of ten, Kim matched six out of ten."

I find my body stiffening. I know Noah wants to help, but the thought of my son undergoing such a risky producer makes me sick. I can feel Amanda stiffen as well. "I don't want Noah going through this please use Kim, Dr. Callisto." "Amanda, I understand your concern; Noah is very young; however, he is in perfect health."

"He has an understanding of what is to be expected of him, what is involved, and has already personally come to me and asked me to consider him as a donor for whoever he matches." this is news to me, shocking news. I try to contain my shock though and let Amanda do the talking this is her life.

"There are other factors that we look for as well, Amanda, also information that is not new to you." She nods, coughing, "We look for the donor's age, gender, blood type, height, and weight. Medical history, Kim has used drugs in the past, shared needles with other users, had unprotected sex. Therefore we did a battery of tests on her even more invasive than regular screening, unfortunately, we discovered she has Hepatitis B. Which makes her unable to donate, we have contacted Kim and advised her to get treatment. Right now, though, I need to focus on you."

If Amanda is shocked, she doesn't respond; she just merely nods yawing her lower lip is tucked in between her teeth. "Fine, if Noah is okay with this and Liv is on board, I'll move forward, I want to live if he's my best option then let's do it."

"Mrs. Benson, are you alright with this?"

"May I please talk to my son?" "Yes, of course, I haven't told him yet, he's in the playroom with the rest of the kids." "Thank you, Amanda, honey; I'll be back." She smiles, kissing me, "I'll be here, Liv." Getting up, I head down to the playroom amazed at how peaceful it feels here, even for a hospital St. Jude has a resounding strength of hope, joy. There are no words to describe St. Jude. Everything is designed, so families only worry about loving their children. The walls are colorful murals painted by patients, families, survivors of cancer.

"Noah, sweet-Boy, can you come here, please?" He bounces off the floor where he was kneeling at racing towards me paint covering his fingers. The picture of boyish innocence, "Yes, Mama, is everything okay with Aunt Amanda?"

"Let's walk, are you hungry?"

"No, we had lunch Mama; they make a mean mac and cheese here, and hot dogs yummy. But I suppose I could go for some ice cream." "Ice Cream it is honey." we head to the Northside where the Kay Kafe is located. He skips ahead, whistling spinning around, making airplane circles with his arms laughing. "Ryan is so excited, Mama, tonight he becomes a cop! I can't believe you and Aunt Amanda and her friends pulled this together so fast; twenty kids will become sworn Tennessee Police officers thanks to you."

"It is very cool, Noah; I agree it's what Amanda and I swear to do when we took our oaths to help people."

"That's what I want to do Mama help people, but I don't want to wait till I am older. I want to help people now."

"That's very good, Noah, it's why I wanted to talk to you." He settles down at the table as I order the food and drinks sliding down next to him. "you remember how you got tested when we first got here to be a potential donor for Amanda to get the transplant she needs."

"Yes, Kim and I both did."

"Well, you matched sweetie; what I need to know is if you truly understand what this means." "I do Mama." he digs into the ice cream eagerly so much for not being hungry, which makes me wonder if he can't even figure out if he's hungry how can he make a decision as life alerting as this. "Yeah, I do my new friend Bryan explained it to me, he's the older brother to Megan he donated to her last year, he said a bone marrow transplant can be two different types. In autologous transplants, patients receive their own bone marrow cells, which were previously taken from the patient and stored for later use. This process is called harvesting. Autologous transplants are often used for patients who have solid tumors or lymphomas that are at high risk of treatment failure. Amanda has Leukemia, though, so this wouldn't work for her; she needs what is called an allogeneic transplant; it's where patients receive bone marrow cells from another person. Allogeneic transplants are often used to treat high-risk leukemias or lymphomas, immunodeficiencies, bone marrow failure diseases, and sickle cell disease."

"Wow, you learned a lot Noah." he nods smiling "Yeah, kids know a lot more than what grownups want to believe we do, we have to learn what's happening to our bodies, and to those of the people we love."

"Amanda is really sick, Mama, I know you don't want to acknowledge it, but she is sick enough to die." "I can help her beat death; I know there's no 100% guarantee that my marrow will work, it could fail, or Amanda could develop Graft-versus-host disease (GVHD)."

"Which is very dangerous to people recovering from transplant because they have no immune system to fight off infections. Zenko died last week from GVHD."

"Who is Zenko, Noah?"

"He was the little boy in 132A; he had ALL. He was six Mama, a cute little boy from Twain whose dad came with him, Mr. Zang was awesome at organizing games, he had all of laughing."

"He was brilliant too. He spoke five languages, Mama, five!" Noah has me cracking up as he holds up five fingers his eyes wide. "Noah, I need you to understand that if you do this and it fails, you can't have your marrow back, and it wouldn't be your fault sometimes these things just don't work."

"I know Mama, I'm good I want to do this, there's less risk to me than to aunt Amanda Mama. A Bone marrow donation is a surgical procedure that takes place in a hospital operating room. Doctors use needles to withdraw liquid marrow from both sides of my back and pelvic bone. They will give me anesthesia. Mama, I won't feel any pain during the donation. After donation, the liquid marrow will be transported to Amanda for transplant."

"I know there will be side effects Mama; I am prepared for that the doctors said I could experience back or hip pain, Fatigue, Throat pain, Muscle pain, Insomnia, Headache, Dizziness, Loss of appetite, Nausea. I'm young though Mama and kids bounce back quickly. I'm also a dancer, so I am healthy and fit. Please don't say any, Mama. I wan to do this."

Tears stream down. I hug Noah when did he retain so much knowledge? How did I miss it? "Okay, Noah let's do this." "Yay!"

We celebrate the last night before she returns to isolation by throwing a pizza party her uncle and cousins come down, Fin, Kat, and Erin all fly down from New York with our uniforms. Her friends all show up. The entire hospital comes out in full force to see these kids get sworn into being an officer. As we get changed, Erin, Kat, and I all help Amanda do her makeup and adjust her uniform. I can see the change in her already. Even though we don't wear the uniform as detectives on a daily, it still means something to us. It represents the oath we took, the reason why we get up each morning, and risk what we risk. We protect the community, the streets, that we serve; we're motivated to do amazing and often selfless acts. We have integrity and loyalty like no other profession.

Watching these kids walk to the podium makes me smile even though their not becoming cops, the look on their faces is priceless. To them, this is real Amanda steps forward along with Chief Daniels as the twenty-one gun salute rings out. It's so real it reminds me of being at the NYPD annual swear in where recruits are declared in each year. Clearing her throat, Amanda adjusts the Mic. He looks so beautiful so healthy no one could ever know she's battling a severe illness. In fact, most of these kids look completely normal; all of them are wearing official blue uniforms. "Good evening everyone, thank you for coming out here tonight to support these fantastic recruits.

"I'm Amanda Rollins First Grade detective with the NYPD; tonight, we are here to honor these twenty brilliant, strong, loyal, integrity filled young men and women who have worked harder than most people will ever understand."

"First up, we have Ryan, who has been living with a diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma."

"Ryan wished to be a police officer because he thought it would be fun to be a policeman he is very interested to learn about 'all the cool things they do like arresting bad guys. In a day and age where Police officers are being scrutinized daily in the headlines, judged and hated by society it's refreshing to see so many young bloods wanting to join the ranks. So let's all give a round of sound to Memphis Officer Ryan Frank."

Gun salutes go off as the crowd starts to cheer, clapping as I pin the medal and badge to the young boy who's smile lights up his whole face. "Ryan, are there any words you would like to say?" "Yes! Thank you to everyone who is apart of this beautiful ceremony, I know that this is only for show, but this will live forever in my memory as the highlight of my seven – years on earth. I may never get to live to grow up to see my dreams come true, but this will provide a memory for my parents to look back on and know I was happy. I mattered, and my life had an impact. So thank you to everyone here today."

Amanda, Fin, Kat, Erin and I all take turns reading names and pinning medals and badges to each kid who all smile and have a funny or inspiration speech to make. By the end of the night, we're all exhausted but grinning ear to ear. Amanda takes time to spend with each of her family members and friends.

Holding her tight under the fireworks, I kiss her passionately, "Your eyes are radiant Amanda, they remind me of trumpets on the fourth of July." She laughs, "Your cute Liv, thank you I needed that, but honestly no eyes compare to yours, they sparkle in hope and love. They give me the strength I need to fight this monster, Liv. They offer me a promise."

"Well I promise to be your anchor, your harbor and your light Amanda, you just promise me you won't give up."

"I promise Olivia. Thank you." "Thank me for real Amanda." she smiles softly, touching my lips with her fingers tilting my head back. I lift her hands, wrapping them around my waist. I have the briefest moment of satisfaction at the pure shock and lust on her face, before my body presses against her soft curves, and her mouth claims my lips as their own.

I can still taste that kiss weeks later.

The very next day, Amanda had a central line placed into her chest, allowing her to give blood samples and receive medicines through the vein quickly. She had to undergo extensive testing before the transplant. This pre-transplant appointment included blood work, tests to check the health of major organs, and meetings with members of our multidisciplinary/support teams. After days of testing, she was moved to the transplant unit. The conditioning regimen began, also known as the preparative regimen, prepared her body to receive Noah's cells. Her regimen consisted of chemotherapy combined with radiation. That lasted 14 days. She was in total isolation and incredibly sick her counts dropped, she ran fevers, vomited consistently, had diarrhea, Mouth, tongue, and throat problems sores and pain with swallowing. Even water made her choke. I had to wear a gown, gloves, face shield, mask to even be in the room with her; I could only see her for 15 minutes every two hours. She was too out of it to know who I was half the time. Even when she did recognize me, she was in so much pain all she could do was moan, and vomit. Her muscles became tense, to the touch, she started to shake.

While Amanda was going through the physical aspects, I was left in charge of the paperwork. Because she's not a child, she was responsible for paying. The amount of what it cost still shakes me $400,000, thankfully our insurance is decent and will pay for at least half of it. I feel for those who can't afford it. Without treatment, they would die.

Amanda had chosen to have a full code if any complications arose. Yet she could be recovered maintain a healthy life; she would be revived if she would be a vegetable or had a diminishing life quality she wanted to be let go. I had to sign as her legal guardian to make any choices for her if she couldn't. I spent a lot of time prying for strength and healing vibes.

Day 15, she was infused with Noah's cells I held his hand as he lay in bed after the surgery was done. He amazed me so young, so wise so brave. I thanked God for bringing this beauty into my life. When he woke, he was sore but smiling "I saw Jesus Mommy when I was asleep he told me to tell you that Ed wants you to experience Paris with Amanda, he thinks your real cute together." I couldn't speak or move, "He said to tell you he is sorry, but he wants you to be happy and to stop grieving for what you can't control." Noah fell back to sleep as tired as I am, I wondered if I had just dreamed that because when he woke up again, he looked at me as if I was crazy when I asked him again. "Can I have ice cream?"

I left confused but feeling a sense of peace I haven't felt in a long time. A week later, Amanda was released from the hospital to Aisling and Presley's beautiful home. I had learned how to clean her line, keep it clean of infection and backup. I helped her to keep track of all her medications on a dry erase board. Some had to be taken with food, others on an empty stomach. Some had to be taken two hours after dairy. Everyday she had to go back to receive transfusions, fluids, an anti-nausea medication. There were some tough days like when her white blood cell count dropped, no immune system. Her weight dropped, her blood pressure became very low dangerously low. Her moods were erratic; some days, she would snap at us for no reason, other days she was happy laughing singing, kissing me.

Amanda and Noah developed a very close relationship; she helped him with his homework; he taught how to make videos on Tic Tok. The current craze is a song called Savage, which had the two of them plus Aisling and Presley falling all over each other laughing.

Some days she was too weak to get out of bed so that we would lay in bed, read the bible, or share stories about our pasts. We got to know private things about each other that neither of us ever told anyone else. "I still want to find my biological parents Liv, I know it shouldn't matter biology only makes up so much of who we are it's our memories, our history that truly define us. Still, there's a part of me that craves the knowledge of who I am where I come from, do I have brothers or sisters. Nieces or nephews. There may be two parents out there who truly loved their daughter and have grieved for the loss of their child all these years."

"I understand, Amanda, and I promise when you are healthy, and back to work, you will be given full access to investigate right now you need to focus on getting well. So do me a favor and close your eyes, Amanda." Stroking her hair, I kiss her head "God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which God can't lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm, and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain."

That night was the worst one, yet she woke up crying out in pain, no amount of kissing or holding her eased her pain. Everything hurt in her body, I tried ice, heat, I rubbed her body nothing helped. The next morning they admitted her right away even though she wanted to fight them off the minute they looked down her throat she vomited and that sealed the deal. She was transferred up to the main hospital a few hours later.

She spiked a high fever, her body shock in chills; she vomited almost all day. I know rock bottom is coming, I know she'll get worse before she gets better, I just pray she makes it 100 days post-transplant. "I'm in hell." Amanda would cough out in between vomiting sessions as I patted her head down with a wet compress. All I could do was smile at her and tell her I loved her.

The days continued with her fever spiking higher rashes covering her body. Her stomach and feet swelled. Her back, jaw, head, shoulders all ached painfully her blood sugars dropped, but she couldn't keep food or liquids down. Her sinus became painful, so they feared infections, so they did a test sticking a camera up her nose, but thankfully it came back negative.

A week and a half later, Amanda had put on twenty pounds form all the fluids she was bloated covered in red spots. Of course, she moaned about how unattractive she felt, so I kissed every part of her in which she felt ugly. Not the most sanitary I'm aware, but all I cared about was helping her feel better. It worked. Seeing Noah outside the room dancing with her friends made her smile and fought to get back to them.

Finally, three weeks later, she started to engraft; she had a mild case of GVHD in her stomach, which caused most of her vomiting. Thirteen days later, she was released Dr. Callisto was so impressed by how well she was doing Amanda was moved to tears.

The next piece of good news came when we got back to the mansion and had a Facebook chat with Fin. Who told us they had a charity fundraiser last night for Amanda and raised enough money to cover the cost of the transplant her hospitalize and medications for a year.

Weeks passed in a blur of fevers, central line issues, viruses, at one point, she struggled to breathe so severely they feared she had developed COVID-19. She dropped weight again early twenty-two pounds; her skin hung off her body, her skin wrinkled her self esteem dropped. She turned to her faith she held onto me, I did my best to remain strong for her everyone was cheering when the swab test COVID-19 back negative.

She struggled to do what she needed to do get she would get impatient and angry. Noah was the one who always brought her down usually by refusing to do homework, saying it was hopeless, so she would make a deal to help him, and he would blackmail her into taking her medication, following doctors' orders.

"Liv promise me once I beat this will make our own memory, I know Tucker promised you Paris, but we need our place. I want you to pick it; it will give me something to fight for." I kissed her as she was being wheeled back to isolation "Ireland."


	16. Chapter 16 Ireland

**Chapter 16: Ireland **

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

**Florence Court, County Fermanagh**

**Ireland July 2020**

**This will be the final chapter thank you for reading and reviewing.**

"Falling for you was like taking an afternoon nap. Promising myself only a brief slumber, but as soon as I had fallen, I was already dreaming."

"Amanda, what a funny thing to say because if the only place I could see you were in my dreams, I would dream forever."

"So that explains why it was so hard to wake you. I mean not that I wanted to because you looked so adorable this morning."

Amanda's smile is slow and slopping as she takes my hand, walking along the beach. Just being in her arms is more than enough for me. She's healthy, laughing, and smiling.

Amanda pauses as we stand by one of the restaurants she slips something out of her pocket and onto my finger. I gasp when I see the beautiful diamond Claddagh ring "Liv you have shown me what true friendship means, you have opened my heart to true love. Let this ring be a promise to you that one day I will ask you to marry me; I promise you to be faithful, loving, and devoted to you and Noah. You two saved me, I owe you my life, but not because you saved me, I owe you everything because you own my heart."

"Do you know the story of this place?" I shake my head in between kissing her lips. "The original house at Florence Court was begun around 1718 by Sir John Cole (1680-1726), whose ancestors came from Devonshire during the reign of Queen Elizabeth and lived at Enniskillen Castle until it was burnt in 1710. Cole's 'very costly and sumptuous building,' which he named after his wife Florence Wrey, was built in what was then 'a majestic wildness. So wild that it was scarce inhabited by any human creatures but ye O's and Mac's, who ranged through the woods like so many freebooters pillaging all that came in their way'.

"Who is this, Sir John Cole?" Amanda's lips taste fantastic a mixture of gin and cherry. Warm, wet, and delicious. I can't get enough we haven't even made love yet, but I can taste her on every part of my body, I can smell her, feel her. I want her so bad. "John Willoughby Cole, 2nd Earl of Enniskillen K 23 March 1768 – 31 March 1840, styled Viscount Col from 1789 to 1803, was an Irish peer and Member of Parliament. Cole was the son of William Willoughby Cole, 1st Earl of Enniskillen. He succeeded his father to the peerage and the Florence Court estate in 1803."

"In 1810 he started an affair with Charlotte Paget, Marchioness of Anglesey. It was claimed that Paget had pursued her ruthlessly and that she had asked her husband to stay close to her in public "for the express purpose of avoiding Lord P's importunities."

At the divorce trial, several witnesses stated that the couple had an affectionate relationship. Charlotte's brother Henry Cadogan challenged Paget to a duel; honor was satisfied, though neither was injured. Following the divorce, Wellesley was awarded £24,000 in damages against Paget. Referring to the incident in later years, when Paget, now Lord Uxbridge, was assigned to Wellington as his second-in-command at the Battle of Waterloo, Wellington is said to have commented: "Lord Uxbridge has the reputation of running away with everybody he can. I'll take good care; he doesn't run away with me."

"A duel for honor sounds so romantic. I would duel you for your honor, Amanda." She laughs a sound I can get used to touching her face lightly. I breathe her in so happy she is alive. So thankful we got to travel to this magical place to build these memories.

That evening we dance on the beach under the stars holding each other tightly. Aisling's house is beautiful on its private beach. We sway to the beat of the violinist as she takes my hands. Beautiful stars are burning above our heads. "Will you do me the honor of this dance?"

Amanda holds her hands out to me as I turn slowly. "Love, Amanda, that's why we are here under the Irish starlight. Love has brought us here. Love has many paths. It doesn't always happen when we want it to; it takes its time. I know you dreamed of this forever; for me, this is new, but it doesn't make it any less true. It's real, Amanda, not a dream. I love you, Amanda Sienna Rollins. So will you please do me the honor of this dance?"

"There's no music Liv."

"Who needs music, Amanda? We can make our own music listen to our heartbeats, close your eyes, listen to the sounds around you, the light patter of rain, stars twinkling, the ocean below us, traffic above us, birds chirping."

Settling into her arms, she rests her head on my shoulder, stealing a kiss from her perfect lips under the North Star. "I have dreamed of this moment for years now. It's happening; it seems surreal. Timeless like a fairy-tale."

"God has a plan for everything that happened

over the years, so has this always been his plan?"

"Was he testing me? "Will always have Paris." Tucker's words to me even to Noah when he was knocked out, but Tucker deserves to have his memory as his own. I could have easily picked Paris for Amanda and me, the city of Romance. However, Amanda and I deserve our place in history.

Her hands are around my neck my face turned to her left our lips move softly in-sync, we can't stop kissing we keep eye contact. I'll remember this classic look of bliss in her eyes forever.

Even when we break apart from kissing we never stop touching each other or dancing, it's incredible how perfect she is, how she moves, I never knew she is such a fantastic dancer. Well, why would I, though? We barely got along for most of these last ten years; I grew up dancing in the streets of the Bronx there were all kinds of music, most of it not my taste so I would close my eyes and listen for my beat. I listened to the boys in the court bouncing the basketball, shouting smack to each other. I looked to the older men playing chess, laughing smooth like the sax. I listened to the ladies on stoops yelling to kids, smacking their gum as they gossiped about the latest affairs in the hood: barking dogs, my hand slapping my leg, or my voice as I sang to myself.

Now I hear the sound of our lips sucking and smacking it's not romantic, but it's warm, it's sweet, like American Honey on Apple Pie fresh out of the oven in Nana's kitchen. Nothing is more delicious or purer than a Grandma's love and her soul food. Amanda and Noah are my home, my heart, my American Honey.

"Golden." She breathes out, "Timeless as a kiss Liv; your beauty never fades, age or time can never erase your beauty because it comes from your soul. God, forgive me for my sins, but I am going in full throttle."

Tears fall down our faces as she holds me tightly dancing slowly our bodies pressed so close there is no space left between us, even our breaths hit each other's checks. "You are perfect, Liv, my sunshine, my anchor, my hearts harbor. I never want this to end."

"It won't, Amanda. I promise you I never want to miss a moment Amanda to tell you how lovely you are how pure and beautiful in body, mind, and soul from the first moment I saw you. I knew you would change my life forever impact it somehow. I just never knew how much."

We stay silent for a while, dancing under those stars. My head rests on her shoulder for the longest time. I am just savoring this moment, afraid it will end despite her promise.

Nothing this beautiful ever happened to her; I know it by looking into her eyes. I am honored to be the one to bring this magic to her world. So when she picks up her head, I look into her eyes and see them smiling up at me. I don't even think about what I start to sing; it just comes out naturally.

"For as long as I can remember

You were there, all the memories and the promises that we shared

Cause you and I both know that life doesn't always go as we planned

That's just how it goes

I know the Valley is still darkest in the shadows

But I know that you are going to be there in the end

Your my light when I am lost

Your my walk in the dark

I feel you after the sunlight is gone

You always bring me back home

When I'm lost on the road, my hearts with you where ever you go

Cause you are my North Star

Through the good times, and the bad you took my hand

Showed up to cry upon when nothing makes sense

Oh, you and I have grown apart, but we both know if you need me, I'll be there

I know the valley's always darkest in the shadow

But I know that you are going to be there in the end

Your my light when I am lost

Your my walk in the dark

I feel you after the sunlight is gone

You always bring me back home

When I'm lost on the road, my hearts with you where ever you go

Cause you are my North Star

**The End**

**A/N: Lyrics belong to General Hospital/ William Lipton, the actor who portrays Cameran Webber. Let me know if anyone wants a squeal with Amanda looking for her biological family. **


End file.
